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University of California • Berkeley

THE LIBRARY

OF

THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA

PROFESSOR GEORGE R. STEWART

OF THE

Best

Sog^ty,

INCLUDING

Letter Writing, Invitations, &c., also valuable

suggestions on Self Culture and

Home Training.

BY RICHARD A. WELLS, A. M.

INTRODUCTION BY

REV. WILLARD E. WATERBURY.

ILLUSTRATED.

CLARK PUBLISHING CO. OMAHA, NEB.

KING, RICHARDSON & CO.

SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

1891.

COPYRIGHT, 1890, BY

J-CINO, RICHARDSON & CO.

SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

Sold only by our Authorized Agents.

PREFACE.

ANNERS constitute the language in which the biography of every individual is written.

There is no one subject of to- day which embodies more prac- tical interest to people in gen- eral, than a knowledge of the rules, usages and ceremonies of good society.

A lack of this knowledge is felt by almost every individual, whether in the city or country, at home or abroad.

True politeness is not a code of superficial rules, arranged and trimmed up for particular occasions, and then set aside at our pleasure.

Polite manners and true culture are expressions of the heart, and have their foundation in the Golden Rule.

If this rule is not the guide of our life, then our

10 PREFACE.

politeness is entirely superficial, and void of natural- ness.

Nature is always graceful ; fashion, with all her art and glitter can never produce anything half so pleas- ing. The very perfection of elegance is to imitate nature; how much better to have the reality than the imitation. Anxiety about the opinions of others always fetters our freedom and tends to awkwardness. We would always appear well if we never tried to assume what we do not possess.

Madame Celnart says : " The grand secret of never- failing propriety of good manners and culture is to havo an intention of always doing right."

There are persons who seem to possess the instinct of courtesy to so high a degree as to require no in- struction or practice in order to be perfectly polite, easy and graceful.

Most people, however, require some rules as to the best and most appropriate manner of expressing that which they may feel.

In the cultivation of heart and developing character, Rules of Etiquette are then essential.

To acquire a thorough knowledge of these matters, and to put that knowledge into practical use with per- fect ease and freedom, is what people call "good breeding."

In the preparation of this work, the object has been to present the rules and usages which govern and mould the most refined society of America, and to im- part that information by which any one may be ena-

PREFACE. n

bled to acquire the perfect ease of a gentleman, or the gentler manners of a well-bred lady, so that their presence will be sought for, and they will not only learn that great art of being thoroughly at home in all society, but will possess that rarer gift of making every one around them feel easy, contented and happy.

The work is carefully arranged into chapters, every subject divided and classified, making it perfectly easy to turn at once to any subject desired.

Ifc has been our aim to give, in a concise form, all that is properly embraced in a comprehensive work on Etiquette; also to cultivate the heart as well as the mind, and produce a well rounded symmetrical char- acter.

THE AUTHOR.

CONTENTS.

INTRODUCTORY.

CHAPTER 1. 21

ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.

CHAPTER 2. 32

The good will of women— Social connections— Being natural— With whom to associate— What to tolerate— Common place speech— Modesty— Respect- ful deference — Ease of manner — Distinctions in conduct — Long usage— delating company— Good Sense— Qualities of a gentleman— Whom to imitate.

INTRODUCTIONS.

CHAPTER 3. 89

By relatives— Saluting and shaking hands— First introduction— Second or subsequent meeting— The obligations of— After an introduction— While traveling — Introductory letters to ladies — Receipt of introductory letters — Requesting a letter of— to society— Bestowing of titles— Proper forms of— Ceremonious phrases— Casual introductions— Speak the name distinctly— Introduction of a Lady to Gentleman— in other countries— Without per- mission—Meeting on the street— Morning visitors— Introducing yourself— Assisting a lady in difficulty.

SALUTATIONS.

CHAPTER 4. 49

Forms of Salutation— Of different nations— Words of salutation— For- eigners' salutations— On the street— Meeting in the street— Bow of civility —Saluting ladies— Etiquette of hand shaking— The kiss— The kiss of re- spect—The kiss of friends— Women kissing in public.

SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.

CHAPTER 5. 57

The value of knowledge-^A good conscience— Good character— A well in- formed man— Liberal and scientific information— Employing leisure mo- ments—Softening natural ferocity— The arts of peace— Difference in social 12

CONTENTS. 13

intercourse— Slight reflections— Improving by conversation— Learn some- thing from all— Be not too confident— Narrow and limited views— Consult- ing witu others— Difference of opinion.

CONVERSATIONS.

CHAPTER 6. 65

Subjects to be avoided— Talk to people of their own affairs— Avoid talking too much of their professions— Avoid classical quotations— Modulation- Slang— Using- proverbs and puns— Avoid long arguments— Interrupting a person while speaking— Whispering in society— Make the topic of conver- sation known— Witticisms— Avoid unfamiliar subjects— Introducing anec- dotes—Correct pronunciation— Avoid repeating— Cultivating the mind- Music— A low voice— Talk well about trifles— Double entendres— Indeli- cate words and expressions— Profanity— Listening— The best kind of con- versation—Interjections— Avoid wounding the feelings of another— Af- fectations—Use plain words— Avoid wit which wounds— Proper reserve- Professional peculiarities— Modesty— Conversing with ladies— .Conclusion.

VISITS,

CHAPTER 7. 80

Visits of congratulation— of ceremony or calls— Time to make ceremonious visits— Keep an account of ceremonious visits— Visits of ceremony among friends— calling at an inconvenient hour— Visiting at hotels— Visiting the sick— Style of conversation— Visits of condolence— Before going abroad— Leave taking of a family— Meeting other visitors— Gentleman's morning call- Returning from the country— Cards for ceremonious visits— Calling on strangers— Engaged or not at home— Evening visits— Friendly calls- Omitting visits— Ceremonious visits— Suitable times for visits— How to treat visitors— Taking a seat while visiting— Paying equal attention to all —Taking a friend with you— Privileges of ladies— Visiting acquaintances alone— Preference of seats— Respect towards the aged and feeble— Dis- continuing work — Visiting cards — Address on cards — Keeping cards — Laying aside the bonnet— Habitual visits— Short visits— Unintentional intrusions— Free hospitality— Treatment of guests— Duties of the visitor —Leave taking.

DINNER PARTIES AND BALLS.

CHAPTER 8. 101

Invitations— Reply to— Arriving too late— Manners at table— Dress neatly for dinner party— How long to remain— Congenial company— Number of guests- -Manner of writing invitations— Invitation accepted— Declined— Invitation to tea party — Reception of guests — Introduction of guests — Proceeding to dinner— Arranging guests— Intermingling guests— Asking the waiter for anything— Praising every dish— Picking your teeth at ta-

14 CONTENTS.

ble— Selecting a particular dish— Duties of host and hostess— Paring fruit for a lady— Dipping bread into preserves— Soup— Fish— General rules re- garding dinner— Watching how others do— Urging guests to eat— Waiting on others— Monopolizing conversation— Signal for leaving the table- Dancing— Giving a ball— Choice of guests— Issuing invitations— Prejudices against dancing— Notes of interrogation— Variety of toilette— Choice of at- tire—Evening party— The cloak room— When to arrive— Refusing to dance — Giving a reason for not dancing — How to ask a lady to dance — Leaving a ball room— Talking too much- -Wall flowers— Duties of gentle- men—Duty of ladies— While dancing— Grace and modesty— Private par- ty— Public balls— Visit of thanks— Deportment in public places— General rules for a ball room — Conclusion.

STREET ETIQUETTE.

CHAPTER 9.. 12:

Recognizing friends on the street— Omitting to recognize acquaintances- Shaking hands with a lady— Young ladies conduct on the streetr— Accom- panying visitors — Fulfilling an engagement — Conduct while shopping — Taking off your glove — Asking information — Crossing a muddy street — Expensive dress in the street— Carriage of a lady in public— Forming acquaintances in public— Demanding attention— Meeting a lady acquaint- ance—Stopping a lady on the street— Passing acquaintances— Crowding before another — Giving the arm — When to offer the arm — Returning a sa- lute—Passing before a lady— Corner loafers— Shouting— Gentlemen walk- ing with a lady— Crossing the street— General rules— Passing through a crowd— Saluting a lady— Ascending a mountain— Meeting on the street- Intrusive inquiries on meeting— Smoking while walking— Taking ofi your hat.

BIDING AND DRIVING.

CHAPTER 10. 140

Etiquette of riding— Riding in public— Riding with ladies— Assisting a lady to mount— Pace in riding— Meeting friends on horseback— Meeting a lady —Assisting a lady to alight from a horse— Entering a carriage— Assisting a lady into a carriage.

TRAVELERS AND TRAVELING.

CHAPTER 11. 148

A lady traveling alone — On arrival of the train — Arriving at destination — Rushing for a ticket office— Personal comfort— Rushing for the table— So- cial intercourse while traveling— Occupying too many seats— Retaining a seat— Etiquette of street cars— Etiquette of ferry boats— Checking famili- arity— Duties of ladies to other ladies while traveling — Consulting the comforts of others— Attention to the wants of others— Selfishness oi ladies.

CONTENTS. 15

ETIQUETTE OP PUBLIC PLACES.

CHAPTER 12. 156

Church Etiquette— Visiting an artist— Conduct in picture galleries— Invita- tion to opera or concert — Conduct in opera, theatre or public hall — Church or fancy fairs— Picnics— How to dress— Duties of gentlemen— Committee of arrangements— Boating— Rowing— Ladies Rowing.

LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING.

CHAPTER 13. 169

Secret of good composition— Penmanship — Choice of paper— General ap pearance of a letter— Letters of introduction— Letters of friendship— Form of Friendly letter— Modes of address— The family letter— Parents to children— Letters of love— Letters of business— Letters of invitation— In- vitation to a party— General advice to letter writers.

LAWS OP BUSINESS AND LEGAL FORMS.

CHAPTER 14. 196

General laws of business— Forms of notes— Negotiable and non-negotia- ble—Draft, check, &c., &c.

SELF-CULTURE.

CHAPTER 15. 305

Economize time— Importance of early rising— Reading— Study— Depend up- on work, not genius — Good books easily accessible — Careless reading im- pairs the mind— Have some worthy aim— The result of idleness— "Dili- gentia Omnia Vincit "—Requisites of success.

ADVANTAGES OF WEDLOCK.

CHAPTER 16. 215

Comparison— Bachelors— Advice of Jeremy Taylor— Celibacy an unnatural state— Woman's risk greater than man's— Have a home— Objections on account of expense— Essentials to happiness.

COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

CHAPTER 17. 223

Oharms for procuring love — A woman's judgment — Love and marriage — Usages of society— Love a universal passion— A lady's position— A gentle- man's position— Conduct of a gentleman toward ladies— Premature decla- ration—Love at first sight— Trifling with a man's feelings— A poor triumph —A still greater crime— The rejected lover— Duty of a rejected lover— Un- manly conduct — Encouraging the address of a gentleman — Proposal of marriage— Forms of proposals— Proposal accepted— Protracted engage-

16 CONTENTS.

ments— Asking papa— An engagement ring— The relations of an engaged couple— Demonstrations of affection— Keeping late hours— A domineering lover— Breaking an engagement— By letter— Acknowledging such letter— The marriage ceremony— General rules— Congratulation— Ceremony in church— Leaving the church— Marriage fees— Let joy be unconfined— The wedding breakfast— Sending cards— Wedding cards— Calling on a newly married couple— A joyous period— Professional call while receiving calls —Returning wedding visits.

THE HOME.

CHAPTER 18. 245

Home influence — An ideal home — Industry and sympathy — Amusements — Home culture — Our girls— A sister's influence— Boys— How to spoil a boy- Mother and son.

DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.

CHAPTER 19. 257

Duties of the wife— Avoid all cause for complaint— Beware of confidants- Regarding money matters— How to keep a home— Avoid concealment- Avoid all bickerings— Becoming conduct for a wife— Solomon's descrip- tion—Duties of a husband— Things to remember— Accompany your wife to church— A breach of etiquette— Taking your wife into your confidence —Let her manage her own affairs— Avoid unnecessary interference— Be always ready to praise— Avoid comparisons— Conclusion.

TABLE ETIQUETTE.

CHAPTER 20. 270

The breakfast table— General rules for behavior at table— Luncheon- Dinner.

MISCELLANEOUS RULES OP ETIQUETTE.

CHAPTER 21. 276

Presents among friends— Presents to married ladies— Present by married lady— Praising presents— Making parade— -How to receive a present— Re- fusing a gift— Value of present— Governing our moods— Civility due to all women— Keeping engagements— Requisites to gain esteem— Contempt and haughtiness— Talking of yourself— A filthy habit— Avoid loud conver- sation—Consulting your time-piece— Removing the hat— Smoking in pres- ence of ladies— Relinquishing a seat for a lady— A man's pride and princi- ples—Avoid religious topics— Attention to young people in society— Rev- erential regard for religion— Absent mindedness— Affectation— Confidence and secrecy — A woman's good name — Singing in company — Gentlemen at evening parties— Accepting an invitation— Expressing unfavorable opin- ions—Checking himself in conversation— Cautiousness and self-control—

CONTENTS. 17

Avoid argument— Civility— Courtesy— Improper actions and attitudes- Good maxims — Politeness — Washington's maxims — Principles of good breeding— Attention to small matters.

WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE.

CHAPTER 22. 298

Presidential receptions— Private calls on the President— Social duties of cabinet officers and their families— Social duties of congressmen and their families.

BUSINESS.

CHAPTER 23. 802

ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.

CHAPTER 24. 306

The paper wedding— The wooden wedding— The tin wedding— The crystal wedding — The china wedding — The silver wedding — The golden wedding —The diamond wedding— Presents at anniversary weddings— Invitation to anniversary weddings.

FUNERALS.

CHAPTER 25. 312

Invitation to a funeral— Charge of affairs at a funeral— Expense of a fu- neral— General rules of etiquette — Houses of mourning — Conveyances for funeral— Exhibiting the corpse— Receiving guests at a funeral— Proceed- ing to the cemetery— Flowers at a funeral— Other decorations upon the coffin— After the funeral— Notification of death— Obligations to attend a funeral— Seclusion of the bereaved family— Period of mourning.

DRESS.

CHAPTER 26. 320

First impressions— Consistency in dress— Plain dressing— Too rich dressing- Elegant dressing— Appropriate and becoming dress— Neglect of dress- Habitual attention to attire— An amiable exterior— Dress the appropriate finish of beauty— Taste— Simplicity in dress— Delicacy and harmony- Using paints— Color and complexion— Dress to suit the occasion— Evening dress— Bright-colored gloves— Never dress above your station— Thinking about your dress — Morning dress for home — Morning dress for visitor — Morning dress for street— Business woman's dress— The promenade- Material of a walking suit— Carriage dress— Riding dress— Dress for receiv- ing calls— Dress of hostess— Dinner dress— Dress of guests at dinner party — Ordinary evening dress — Dress for evening call — Dress for social party — The soiree and ball— Dress for church— Dress for theatre— Dress for lec- ture and concert— Dress for opera— Croquet and skating costume— Cos-

IB CONTENTS.

tume for country and sea-side— Bathing costume— Costume for traveling- Going to Europe — Wedding outfit — The wedding dress — Dress for bride- CToom— Dress for bridesmaid— Traveling dress of bride— Marriage of a widow— The trousseau.

HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS.

CHAPTER 27. 343

Size in relation to dress and color.

THE TOILETTE.

CHAPTER 28. 359

Jealth and beauty— The dressing-room— Lady's dressing-room — Gentle- man's dressing-room — The bath— Air bath— The teeth— The skin— The eye-lashes and brows— The hah-— The beard— The hand.

BEAUTY AND ITS EXPRESSION.

CHAPTER 29. 3?9

Singing and playing— The voice and dress— Dignity and familiarity,

SERVANTS.

CHAPTER 30. 396

Treatment of servants— Fees— What to permit

HOME DECORATIONS.

CHAPTER 81. 412

lowers— Arranging of plants— Ward case— Mayflower— Preparation of soil.

AMUSEMENTS.

CHAPTER 32. 410

itiakespeare readings— Private dramas— Charades— Tableaux vivants— Tableaux of Statuary— Light and shades,

ETIQUETTE WITH CHILDREN.

CHAPTER 33. 421

'Jbildren at funerals— At parties— Early training— Accepting invitations— The custom — Good manners.

ETIQUETTE FOR BAPTISM.

CHAPTER 34. 425

Customary ceremonies— Christening— Presents.

CONTENTS. 19

ETIQUETTE OP THE STUDIO.

CHAPTER 35. 429

PRECIOUS STONES.

CHAPTER 36. 433

Finger-rings with sentiments.

Stories in precious stones — Zodiac stones — Stones and -their influences — Rings— King of Memphis— Caesar's ring— Nero's signet— In Persia— Presi- dent Pierce's ring— Name rings— French names.

FLOWERS AND THEIR SENTIMENTS.

CHAPTER 37. 441

WINDOW GARDENING.

CHAPTER 38. 451

Best place, Ferneries, Soil, Trailing Arbutus, Hanging gardens, Portable screens.

CARE AND CULTURE OP PLANTS.

CHAPTER 39. 458

Where, when, and how to cultivate flowers, stands, shelves, &o.

FURNISHING THE HOME.

CHAPTER 40. 463

The Hall, Parlor, Sitting room. Library, Chambers, Dining room, Kitchen.

BOOKS-.

CHAPTER 41. 474

Outlook through books, How to cultivate the taste, Companionship of books, What to read.

TOILET RECIPES.

CHAPTER 42. 481

To remove freckles— Wrinkles— Discoloration of skin— Sunburn— Cure chil- blains—Hair curling fluid— To prevent hair from falling off— Rye tooth- powder— Bandoline— Rose water— Lip salve— Smooth skin— Sticking plan- ter— To improve the complexion — Burns — Pimpernel water — To soften tho hands—For roughness of the skin— Chapped hands— To prevent hair turn- ing gray— To soften and beautify the hair— To remove pimp'es— To re- move tan— Cure for corns— Chapped lips— Black teeth— Pomade against baldness — Cologne — Ox marrow pomatum — Dentifrice — To clean kid gloves— Water proof boots and shoes— To remove a tight ring— Cleaning jewelry— To clean kid boots— Cleaning silver— To remove grease spots— To clean patent-leather boots — Mildew from linen — To remove stains and spots from silk— Toothache preventive — Cure for felon— Cure for croup- Cure for ingrowing nails on toes— Protection against moths— &c., &c.

boots it tby virtue, Wljat profit \\)j parts, W|?ile one "H/mcj t|?ou lacbqs

(0$>\)e art of all arts?

j "(ij)l?e only credentials,

Passport to success; fdpens castle and parlor, Wddress, man, address.

— Emerson

20

INTRODUCTORY.

CHAPTER 1.

IGH birth and good breed- ing are the privileges of the few; but the habits and manners of a gentle- man may be acquired by all. Nor is their acquire- ment attended with difficulty. Etiquette is not an art requir- ing the study of a life-time ; on the contrary, its principles are simple, and their practical application involves only ordinary care, tact and sagacity.

To gain the good opinion of those who surround them, is the first interest and the second duty of men in every profession of life. For power and for pleasure, this preliminary is equally indispensable. Unless we are eminent and respectable before our fellow-beings, we cannot possess that influence which is essential to the accomplishment of great designs ; and men have so inherent, and one might almost say constitutional, a disposition to refer all that they say and do, to the thoughts and feelings of others, that upon the tide of the world's opinion floats tjie compla- cency of every man,

21

22 INTRODUCTORY.

And here we may find the uses of etiquette. We are not all equally civilized ; some of us are scarcely more than savage by nature and training, or rather lack of training. Yet we all wish to put on the re- galia of civilization that we may be recognized as belonging to the guild of ladies and gentlemen in the world.

The requisites to compose this last character are natural ease of manner, and an acquaintance with the " outward habit of encounter " — dignity and self-possession — a respect for all the decencies of life, and perfect freedom from all affectation.

It is an express and admirable distinction of a gentleman, that, in the ordinary affairs of life, he is extremely slow to take offense. He scorns to attrib- ute ungentle motive, and dismisses the provocation without dignifying it by consideration. For instance, if he should see trifling persons laughing in another part of a room, when he might suppose that they were sneering at him, or should hear a remark from a person careless of his speech, which he could con- strue to be disrespectful to himself, he will presume that they are swayed by the same exalted sentiments as those which dwell within his own bosom, and he will not for a moment suffer his serenity to be sullied by suspicion. If, in fact, the others have been not altogether unwilling to wound, his elevated bearing 'vill shame them into propriety.

A gentleman never is embarrassed, when, in the carelessness of conversation, he has made use of any

INTRODUCTORY. 23

expression which is capable of an indecent significa- tion, and which, in vulgar society, would be the pre- lude of a laugh. He gives his company credit for refinement of mind and entire purity of association, and permits himself to speak with freedom of those things which are commonly the accessories of evil, without feeling any apprehension that the idea of the evil itself may be excited.

In whatever society, or in whatever part of the world, a gentleman may happen to be, he always complies externally with the spirit and usages of the place.

His constant effort is never to wound the feelings of another, and he is well aware that prejudice can excite feeling quite as strongly as truth. Of course, this compliance is not to be made at the expense of honor and integrity.

A gentleman is distinguished as much by his com- posure as by any other quality. His exertions are always subdued, and his efforts easy. He is never surprised into an exclamation or startled by any- thing. Throughout life he avoids what the French call scenes, — occasions of exhibition, in which the vulgar delight. He of course has feelings, but he never exhibits any to the world.

A gentleman always possesses a certain self-re- spect,— not indeed touching upon self-esteem, and far removed from self-conceit, — which relieves him from the fear of failing in propriety, or incurring remarks.

Indeed, a gentleman, in the highest signification

24 INTRODUCTORY.

of the term, is a noble animal. Viewed as furnished with all those qualities which should unite to com- plete the impression, he may be considered as the image of a perfect man. He has all that is valua- ble of Christian accomplishment, he has its gentle- ness, its disinterestedness, its amiableness. Employ- ing, in the regulation of his own conduct, the strict- est standard of propriety, and in his expectations of that of others, the most lenient ; cautious in accept- ing quarrel, more cautious in giving cause for it; lending to virtue the forms of courtesy, and borrow- ing from her the substance of sincerity ; forming his opinions boldly, expressing them gracefully; in action, brave, in conference, gentle; always anx- ious to please, and always willing to be pleased ; ex- pecting from none what he would not be inclined to yield to all ; giving interest to small things, when- ever small things cannot be avoided, and gaining el- evation from great, whenever great can be attained ; valuing his own esteem too highly to be guilty of dis- honor, and the esteem of others too considerately to be guilty of incivility ; never violating decency, and respecting even the prejudices of honesty; yielding with an air of strength, and opposing with an ap- pearance of submission; full of courage, but free from ostentation ; without assumption, without ser- yility; too wise to despise trifles, but too noble ever to be degraded by them ; dignified but not haughty, firm but not impracticable, learned but not pedantic; to his superiors respectful, to his equals courteous ;

INTRODUCTORY. 25

kind to his inferiors, and wishing well to all.

It is this modest pride which gives him that charm- ing ease, which, above all things, marks his manner. He would converse with Kings, or the embodied " blood of all the Howards," with as much composure as he would exhibit in speaking to his footman.

A perfect gentleman instinctively knows just what to do under all circumstances) and need be bound by no written code of manners. Yet there is an unwrit- ten code which is as immutable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, and we who would acquire gen- tility must by some means make ourselves familiar with this.

The true gentleman is rare, but, fortunately there is no crime in counterfeiting his excellences. The best of it is that the counterfeit may, in course of time, develop into the real thing.

How shall I describe a lady ? Solomon has done it for me :

" The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her."

" She will do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life."

" She girdeth her loins with strength, and strength- eneth her arms.

"She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea she reacheth forth her hands to the needy."

" She maketh herself coverings of tapestry ; her clothing is silk asd purple."

" Her husba^ is known in the gates."

26 INTRODUCTORY.

" Strength and honor are her clothing."

"She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness."

Strength, honor, wisdom, goodness and virtue are her requisites. A woman strong and womanly in all ways, in whom the heart of a husband can safely trust — this is the perfect lady.

That all should seek to shape the way and fashion of their lives in accordance with these models there can be no doubt. The best and surest course to pur- sue for that end is to look for, and to imitate as far as possible, the manifestations of the characteristics I have endeavored to describe. And that which was at first mere imitation may become at last a second nature.

Good manners were perhaps originally but an ex- pression of submission from the weaker to the stronger, and many traces of their origin still remain: but a spirit of kindliness and unselfishness born of a higher order of civilization permeates for the most part the code of politeness.

As an illustration of this, we cannot do better than cite the requirements of good breeding in regard to women. It is considered perfectly proper in the more barbarous forms of society to treat woman with all contumely. In polite society great deference is paid to her and certain seemingly arbitrary require- ments are made in her favor. Thus a gentleman is always expected to vacate his seat in favor of a lady who is unprovided with one. If it were possible to

INTRODUCTORY. 27

carry discrimination into this matter of yielding up seats, and require that the young, healthful and strong of either sex should stand that the old, weak and invalid of both sexes might sit, there could be no possible doubt as to the propriety of the regula- tion.

The wisdom of the social law, as it really is, seems open to question. Yet it is wise and right, never- theless. Taking men as a whole, they are better able to endure the fatigue of standing than women. Women as the mothers of the race, the bearers and nurses of children, are entitled to special considera- tion and care on account of the physical disabilities which these duties entail ; and even if in their ordi- nary health they are capable of enduring fatigue, still there are times when to compel them to this endurance is cruel and unjust. Since women prefer, as a rule, to conceal their womanly weaknesses and disabilities as far as practicable, it is impossible for individual men to judge of the strength or weakness of individual women. Thus, when a man rises from his seat to give it to a woman, he silently says, in the spirit of true and noble manliness, " I offer you this, madam, in memory of my mother, who suffered that I might live, and of my present or future wife, who is, or is to be, the mother of my children." Such devotion of the stronger sex to the weaker is beautiful and just ; and this chivalrous spirit, carried through all the requirements of politeness, has a sig- nificance which should neither be overlooked n«.

28 INTRODUCTORY.

undervalued. It is the very poetry of life, and tends toward that further development of civiliza- tion when all traces of woman's original degradation shall be lost.

Those who would think slightingly of the impor- tance of good manners should read Emerson, who says ; " When we reflect how manners recommend, prepare and draw people together; how, in all clubs, manners make the members; how manners make the fortune of the ambitious youth; that, for the most part, his manners, marry him, and for the most part, he marries manners; when we think what keys they are, and to what secrets; what high lessons and inspiring tokens of character they convey; and what divination is required in us for the reading of this fine telegraph, — we see what range the subject has, and what relations to convenience, form and beauty. The maxim of courts is power. A calm and reso- lute bearing, a polished speech, an embellishment of trifles and the art of hiding all uncomfortable feel- ings are essential to the courtier. . . . Manners im- press, as they indicate real power. A man who is sure of his point carries a broad and contented ex- pression, which everybody reads; and you cannot rightly train to an air and manner except by mak- ing him the kind of man of whom that manner is the natural expression. Nature forever puts a pre- mium on reality."

Lord Chesterfield declared good breeding to be 'the result of much good sense, some good nature,

INTRODUCTORY. 29

and a little self-denial for the sake of others and with a view to obtain the same indulgence from tfiem." The same authority in polite matters says. "Good sense and good nature suggest civility in gen- eral, but in good breeding there are a thousand lit- tle delicacies which are established only by cus- tom."

" Etiquette," says a modern English author, " may be. defined as the minor morality of life. No obser- vances, however minute, that tend to spare the feel- ings of others, can be classed under the head of tri- vialities; and politeness, which is but another name for general amiability, will oil the creaking wheels of life more effectually than any of those unguents supplied by mere wealth and station.

As to the technical part of politeness, or forms alone, the intercourse of society, and good advice, are undoubtedly useful; but the grand secret of never failing in propriety of deportment, is to have an in- tention of always doing what is right. With such a disposition of mind, exactness in observing what is proper appears to all to possess a charm and in- fluence ; and then not only do mistakes become ex- cusable, but they become even interesting from their thoughtlessness and naivete. Be, therefore, modest and benevolent, and do not distress yourself on ac- count of the mistakes of your inexperience; a little attention, and the advice of a friend will soon cor- rect these trifling errors.

Morals, lay the foundation of manners. A well-

30 IN TROD VCTOM Y.

ordered mind, a well-regulated heart, produce the best conduct. The rules which a philosopher or moralist lays down for his own guidance, properly developed, lead to the most courteous acts. Frank- lin laid down for himsell the following rules to reg- ulate his conduct through life : —

Eat not to dullness ; drink not to elevation

Speak not but what may benefit others or your- self; avoid trifling conversation.

Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

Resolve to perform what you ought ; perform with- out fail what you resolve.

Make no expense but to do good to others, or to yourself; £«., waste nothing.

Lose no time ; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

Use no hurtful deceit ; think innocently and just- ly; and if you speak, speak accordingly.

Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes or hab- itation.

Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents com- mon or unavoidable, and "be temperate in all things."

Let these rules be applied to the elegant inter- course of life, and they ^re precisely what is reouir-

INTRODUCTORY. 3]

ed. Those who would set good morals and good manners at variance, wrong both.

That true good breeding consists not in the man- ner, but in the mind, is one of those insipid com- mon-places that the world delights to be told. That a pleasing exterior of appearance, and an insinuating habit of demeanor, may be perfectly attained by one, to whose feelings honor is a stranger, and generosity utterly unknown, it would be absurd to deny. But there unquestionably goes more than this to the for- mation of a thorough gentleman. Separated from native loftiness of sentiment, we rarely discover those courtly, and, if I may say so, those magnanimous manners, which constitute a high-bred man.

ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.

CHAPTER 2.

0 become accepted in society, a young man must win the good will of the few ladies of assured position who are the ruling spirits in their charmed circle, and whose dictum determines the social standing of the young aspi- rant. It is of less impor- tance to be in favor with the young girls who are themselves just entering society than with these older women, who can countenance whom they will and whose approbation and support will serve the novitiate better than fortune, talent or accomplishments.

THE GOOD WILL OP WOMEN. A young man in entering society cannot be too attentive to conciliate the good will of women. Their approbation and support will serve him instead of a thousand good qualities. Their judgment dispenses with fortune, talent and even intelligence.

SOCIAL CONNECTIONS.

The desire of pleasing is, of course, the basis of social connection. Persons who enter society with the intention of producing an effect, and of being dis-

32

ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 33

tinguished, however clever they may be, are never agreeable. They are always tiresome, and often ri- diculous. Persons, who enter life with such preten- sions, have no opportunity for improving themselves and profiting by experience. They are not in a prop- er state to observe. Indeed, they look only for the effect which they produce, and with that they are not often gratified. They thrust themselves into all conversations, indulge in continual anecdotes, which are varied only by dull disquisitions, listen to others with impatience and heedlessness, and are angry that they seem to be attending to themselves. Such persons go through scenes of pleasure, enjoying nothing. They are equally disagreeable to them- selves and others.

BEING NATURAL.

Young men should content themselves with being natural. Let them present themselves with a mod- est assurance: let them observe, hear, and examine, and before long they will rival their models.

WITH WHOM TO ASSOCIATE.

The conversation of those women who are not the most lavishly supplied with personal beauty, will be of the most advantage to the young aspirant. Such persons have cultivated their manners and conver- sation more than those who can rely upon their nat- ural endowments. The absence of pride and preten- sion has improved their good nature and their afifa-

34 ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.

bility. They are not too much occupied in contem- plating their own charms, to be indisposed to indulge in gentle criticism on others. One acquires from them an elegance in one's manners as well as one's expressions. Their kindness pardons every error and to instruct or reprove, their acts are so delicate that the lesson which they give, always without of- fending, is sure to be profitable, though it may be often unperceived.

Women observe all the delicacies of propriety in manners, and all the shades of impropriety, much better than men; not only because they attend to them earlier and longer, but because their percep- tions are more refined than those of the other sex, who are habitually employed about greater things. Women divine, rather than arrive at proper conclu- sions.

WHAT TO TOLERATE.

The whims and caprices of women in society should of course be tolerated by men, who themselves require toleration for greater inconveniences. But this must not be carried too far. There are certain limits to empire which, if they themselves forget, should be pointed out to them with delicacy and politeness. You should be the slave of women, but not of all their fancies.

COMMON PLACE SPEECH. Compliment is the language of intercourse from

ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 35

men to women. But be careful to avoid elaborate and common-place forms of gallant speech. Do not strive to make those long eulogies on a woman, which have the regularity and nice dependency of a proposition in Euclid, and might be fittingly con- cluded by Q. E. D. Do not be always undervaluing her rival in a woman's presence, nor mistaking a woman's daughter for her sister. These antiquated and exploded attempts denote a person who has learned the world more from books than men.

MODESTY.

The quality which a young man should most af- fect in intercourse with gentlemen, is a decent modes- ty : but he must avoid all bashfulness or timidity. His flights must not go too far ; but, so far as they go, let them be marked by perfect assurance.

RESPECTFUL DEFERENCE.

Among persons who are much your seniors behave with the most respectful deference. As they find themselves sliding out of importance they may be easily conciliated by a little respect.

EASE OF MANNER.

By far the most important thing to be attended to, is ease of manner. Grace may be added afterwards, or be omitted altogether: it is of much less moment than is commonly believed. Perfect propriety and entire ease are sufficient qualifications for standing

36 ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.

in society, and abundant prerequisites for distinc- tion.

DISTINCTIONS IN CONDUCT.

There is the most delicate shade of difference be- tween civility and intrusiveness, familiarity and common-place, pleasantry and sharpness, the natur- al and the rude, gaiety and carelessness ; hence the inconveniences of society, and the errors of its mem- bers. To define well in conduct these distinctions, is the great art of a man of the world. It is easy to know what to do ; the difficulty is to know what to avoid.

LONG USAGE.

A sort of moral magnetism, a tact acquired by frequent and long associating with others — alone give those qualities which keep one always from er- ror, and entitle him to the name of a thorough gentleman.

SELECTING COMPANY.

A young man or woman upon first entering into society should select those persons who are most cel- ebrated for the propriety and elegance of their man- ners. They should frequent their company, and im- itate their conduct. There is a disposition inherent in all, which has been noticed by Horace and by Dr. Johnson, to imitate faults, because they are more

ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 37

readily observed and more easily followed. There are, also, many foibles of manner and many refine- ments of affectation, which sit agreeably upon on man, which if adopted by another would become unpleasant. There are even some excellences of de- portment which would not suit another whose char- acter is different.

GOOD SENSE.

For successful imitation in anything, good sense is indispensable. It is requisite correctly to appre- ciate the natural differences between your model and yourself, and to introduce such modifications in the copy as may be consistent with them.

QUALITIES OF A GENTLEMAN.

Let not any man imagine, that he shall easily ac- quire those qualities which will constitute him a gentleman. It is necessary not only to exert the highest degree of art, but to attain also that higher accomplishment of concealing art. The serene and elevated dignity which mark that character, are the result of untiring and arduous effort. After the sculpture has attained the shape of propriety, it re- mains to smooth off all the marks of the chisel. " A gentleman," says a celebrated French author, "is one who has reflected deeply upon all the obliga- tions which belong to his station, and who has ap- plied himself ardently to fulfill them with grace."

38 ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.

WHOM TO IMITATE.

He who is polite without importunity, gallant with- out being offensive, attentive to the comfort of all; em- ploying a well-regulated kindness, witty at the proper times discreet,indulgent,generous,who exercises, in his sphere, a high degree of moral authority; he it is, and he alone, that one should imitate.

INTRODUCTIONS.

CHAPTER 3.

N the introduction of one gentle- man to another, great pru- dence and caution must be used by the really polite man ; but in the introduction of ladies to each other, and to gentlemen, infinitely more care is necessary, as a lady cannot shake off an improper acquaintance with the same facility as a gentleman can do, and her character is much easier affected by apparent contact with the worthless and the dissi- pated.

It is incumbent, therefore, on ladies to avoid all proffers of introductions, unless from those on whom from relationship or other causes, they can place the most implicit confidence.

INTRODUCTIONS BY RELATIVES.

As a general rule, ladies may always at once ac- cord to any offers of introduction that may proceed from a father, mother, husband, sister or brother; those from intimate cousins and tried friends are also to be considered favorably, although not to be

40 INTRODUCTIONS.

entitled to the same implicit reliance as the former. Formerly it was the habit for the ladies to curtsey on being introduced, but this has latterly been changed into the more easy and graceful custom of bowing.

SALUTING AND SHAKING HANDS.

The habit of saluting and shaking hands is now quite obsolete, except in some country towns where ladies at first introductions salute other ladies by kissing them on the cheek, and fervently shake the hands of the gentlemen.

FIRST INTRODUCTION.

At present, in the best society, all that a lady is called upon' to do, upon a first introduction either to a lady or a gentleman, is to make a slight, but gra- cious inclination of the head.

SECOND OR SUBSEQUENT MEETING.

Upon one lady meeting another for the second or subsequent times, the hand may be extended in sup- plement to the inclination of the head ; but no lady should ever extend her hand to a gentleman, unless she is very intimate, — a bow at meeting and one at parting, is all that is necessary.

THE OBLIGATIONS OF INTRODUCTION.

Two persons who have been properly introduced have in future certain claims upon one another's ac-

INTRODUCTIONS.

INTRODUCTIONS. 41

quaintance which should be recognized unless there are sufficient reasons for overlooking them. Even in that case good manners require the formal bow of recognition upon meeting, which of itself encoura- ges no familiarity. Only a very ill-bred person will meet another with a vacant stare.

AFTER AN INTRODUCTION.

If you wish to avoid the company of any one that has been properly introduced, satisfy your own mind that your reasons are correct ; and then let no in- ducement cause you to shrink from treating him with respect, at the same time shunning his com- pany. No gentleman will thus be able either to blame or mistake you.

INTRODUCTIONS WHILE TRAVELING.

If, in traveling, any one introduces himself to you and does it in a proper and respectful manner, con- duct yourself towards him with politeness, ease, and dignity ; if he is a gentleman, he will appreciate your behavior — and if not a gentleman will be de- terred from annoying you; but acquaintanceships, thus formed must cease where they began. Your entering into conversation with a lady or gentleman while traveling does not give any of you a right to after recognition. If any one introduces himself to you in a manner betraying the least want of respect, either towards you or himself, you can only turn from him in dignified silence, — and if he presumes

42 INTRODUCTIONS.

to address you further, then there is no punishment too severe.

INTRODUCTORY LETTER TO LADIES.

Be very cautious of giving a gentleman a letter of introduction to a lady ; for remember, in propor- tion as you are esteemed by the lady to whom it is addressed, so do you claim for your friend her good wishes, — and such letters are often the means of set- tling the weal or the woe of the parties for life. Ladies should never themselves, unless upon cases of the most urgent business, deliver introductory letters, but should send them in an envelope inclos- ing their card.

KECEIPT OF INTRODUCTORY LETTERS.

On receipt of an introductory letter, take it into instant consideration; if you are determined not to receive the party, write at once some polite, plausi- ble, but dignified cause of excuse. If the party is one you think fit to receive, then let your answer be accordingly, and without delay ; never leave unan- swered till the next day a letter of introduction.

If any one whom you have never seen before call with a letter of introduction, and you know from its appearance who sent it, desire the person to sit down, and at once treat them politely ; but if you do not recognize the hand-writing it is quite proper, after- requesting them to be seated, to beg their pardon, and

INTRODUCTIONS. 43

peruse the letter in order that you may know how to act.

REQUESTING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.

If any one requests a letter of introduction, and you do not consider that it would be prudent, eithei in respect to your situation with the person so re- questing it, or with the one to whom it would be addressed, refuse it with firmness, and allow no in- ducement whatever to alter your purpose.

INTRODUCTION TO SOCIETY.

On your introduction to society, be modest, retir- ing, unassuming, and dignified ; pay respect to all, but most to those who pay you the most, provided it is respectful and timely.

BESTOWING OF TITLES.

In introducing a person be sure to give him his appropriate title, as some persons are jealous of their dignity. If he is a clergyman, say " The Rev. Mr. Forsyth." If a doctor of divinity, say "The Rev. Dr. Forsyth." If he is a member of Congress, call him " Honorable," and specify to which branch of Congress he belongs. If he be governor of a State, mention what State. If he is a man of any celebri- ty in the world of art or letters, it is well to mention the fact something after this manner : " Mr. Ellis, the artist, whose pictures you have frequently seen,"

44 INTRODUCTIONS.

or "Mr. Smith, author of 'The World after the Del- uge/ which you so greatly admired."

PROPER FORMS OF INTRODUCTION.

The proper form of introduction is to present the gentleman to the lady, the younger to the older, the inferior to the superior; Thus you will say : " Mrs. Gary, allow me to present to you Mr. Rhodes: Mr. Rhodes, Mrs. Gary ;" "Mrs. Wood, let me present to you my friend Miss. Ewing ;" "General Graves, per- mit me to introduce to you Mr. Hughes." The ex- act words used in introductions are immaterial, so that the proper order is preserved.

It is better, among perfect equals, to employ the phrase, "Permit me to present you to * *," than "Permit me to present to you * *;" there are men in this world, and men, too, who are gentlemen, who are so sensitive that they would be offended if the latter of these forms was employed in presenting them to another.

CEREMONIOUS PHRASES.

These ceremonious phrases, "Permit me to present, &c.," are not to be employed unless the acquaintance has been solicited by one party, under circumstan- ces of mere ceremony; and when you employ them, do not omit to repeat to each distinctly the name of the other.

INTRODUCTIONS. 45

CASUAL INTRODUCTIONS.

When two men unacquainted meet one another where it is obviously necessary that they should be made known to each other, perform the operation with mathematical simplicity and precision, -"Mr. A., Mr. A/; Mr. A.\ Mr. A."

SPEAK THE NAME DISTINCTLY.

When, upon being presented to another, you do not feel certain of having caught his name, it may be worse than awkward to remain, as it were, shoot- ing the dark ; say, therefore, at once, without hesita- tion or embarrassment, before making your bow, " I beg your pardon, I did not hear the name."

INTRODUCTION OF A LADY TO GENTLEMEN.

When you are presented to a gentleman, do not give your hand, but merely bow, with politeness : and, if you have requested the presentment, or know the person by reputation, you may make a speech, — indeed, in all cases it is courteous to add, "I am hap- py to make your acquaintance/' or, "I am happy to have the honor of your acquaintance." I am aware that high authority might be found in this country to sanction the custom of giving the hand upon a first meeting, but it is undoubtedly a solecism in manners. The habit has been adopted by us, with some improvement for the worse, from France.

46 INTRODUCTIONS.

INTRODUCTIONS IN OTHER COUNTRIES.

When two Frenchmen are presented to one anotk er, each presses the other's hand with delicate affec- tion. The English, however, never do so ; and the practice is altogether inconsistent with the caution of manner which is characteristic of their nation and our own. If we are to follow the French in shaking hands with one whom we have never before seen, we should certainly imitate them also in kiss- ing our intimate male acquaintances. There are some Americans, indeed, who will not leave this matter optional, but will seize your hand in spite of you, and visit it pretty roughly before you recover it. Next to being presented to the Grand Jury, is the nuisance of being presented to such persons. Such handling is most unhandsome.

INTRODUCTIONS WITH PERMISSION.

A gentleman should not be presented to a lady without her permission being previously asked and granted. This formality is not necessary between men alone ; but, still, you should not present any one, even at his own request, to another, unless you are quite well assured that the acquaintance will be agreeable to the latter. You may decline upon the ground of not being sufficiently intimate yourself. A man does himself no service with another when he obliges him to know people whom he would rather avoid.

INTRODUCTIONS. &

INTRODUCTIONS WITHOUT PERMISSION.

There are some exceptions to the necessity of ap- plying to a lady for her permission. At a party or a dance, the mistress of the house may present any man to any woman without application to the lat* ter. A sister may present her brother, and a moth- er may present her son, upon their own authority ; but they should be careful not to do this unless where they are very intimate, and unless there is no inferiority on their part. A woman may be very willing to know another woman, without caring to be saddled with her whole family. As a general rule, it is better to be presented by the mistress of the house, than by any other person.

MEETING ON THE STREET.

If you are walking down the street in company with another person, and stop to say something to one of your friends, or are joined by a friend who walks with you for a long time, do not commit the too common, but most flagrant error, of presenting such persons to one another.

MORNING VISITORS.

If you are paying a morning visit, and some one comes in, whose name you know, and no more, and he or she is not recognized by, or acquainted with, the person visited, present such a person, yourself.

48 INTRODUCTIONS.

INTRODUCING YOURSELF.

If on entering a drawing-room to pay a visit, you are not recognized, mention your name immediately; if you know but one member of a family, and you find others only in the parlor, present yourself to them. Much awkwardness may be occasioned by want of attention to this.

ASSISTING A LADY IN DIFFICULTY.

If you see a lady whom you do not know, unat- tended, and wanting the assistance of a man, offer your services to her immediately. Do it with great courtesy, taking off your hat and begging the honor of assisting her. This precept, although universally observed in France, is constantly violated in England and America by the demi-bred, perhaps by all but the thorough-bred. The '*mob of gentlemen" in this country seem to act in these cases as if a gentleman ipso facto ceased to be a MAN, and as if the form of presentation was established to prevent intercourse and not to increase it.

SALUTATIONS.

CHAPTER 4.

T is the salutation, says a French writer, which is the touchstone oi of good breeding. There have been men since Absalom who have owed their ruin to a bad bow.

According to circumstances, it should be respectful, cordial, civil, affectionate or familiar — an incli- nation of the head, a gesture with the hand, the touching or doffing of the hat.

" It would seem that good manners were originally the expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a rude state of society every salu- tation is to this day an act of worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with which we are now familiar, date from those earlier stages when the strong hand ruled and the inferior demonstrated his allegiance by studied servility. Let us take, for example, the words ' sir ' and ' madam.' 'Sir' is derived from seigneur, sieur, and origi- nally meant lord, king, ruler and, in its patriarchal sense, father. The title of sire was last borne by some of the ancient feudal families of France, who,

49

50 SALUTATIONS.

as Selden has said, ' affected rather to be styled ^ the name of sire than baron, as Le Sire de Montmoren- d and the like.' 'Madam' or 'madame,' corrupted by servants into 'ma'am/ and by Mrs. Gamp and her tribe into 'mum,' is in substance equivalent to ' your exalted,' or 'your highness,' madame originally meaning high-born or stately, and being applied on- ly to ladies of the highest rank.

FORMS OF SALUTATION.

" To turn to our every-day forms of salutadon. We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave our hand to our friend as he passes the window or drives away from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has a primary, a historical significance. The very word 'salutation,' in the first place, derived as it is from salutatio, the daily homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a his- tory of manners.

" To bare the head was originally an act of sub- mission to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified prostration. A lady's curtsey is a modified genu- flection. Rising and standing are acts of homage ;

SALUTATIONS. 61

and when we wave our hand to a friena un the op- posite side of the street, we are unconsciously imitat- ing the Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to stand 1 somewhat off before the images of their gods, sol- emnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it, as if they had cast kisses/ Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady — a custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight re- moved his iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair chate- laine : and the custom, which began in necessity, has traveled down to us as a point of etiquette."

SALUTATIONS OP DIFFERENT NATIONS.

Each nation has its own method of salutation. In Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In Lapland your friend rubs his nose against yours.

The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling mode of salutation. They ride at a gallop toward a stranger, as though they would unhorse him, and when close at hand suddenly check their horse and fire a pistol over the person's head.

The Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends his head very low. The Egyptian solicitously asks you, "How do you perspire ?" and lets his hand fall to the knee. The Spaniard says, " God be with you, sir," or, "How do you stand?" And the Neapolitan piously remarks, "Grow in holiness." The Chinese bows low and inquires, "Have you eaten ?" The

52 SALUTATIONS.

German asks, "Wie gehts?" — How goes it with you? The Frenchman bows profoundly and inquires, "How do you carry yourself?

In England and America there are three modes of salutation — the bow, the handshake and the kiss.

THE Bow.

The bow is the proper mode of salutation to ex- change between acquaintances in public, and, in cer- tain circumstances, in private. The bow should never be a mere nod. A gentleman should raise his hat completely from his head and slightly incline the whole body. Ladies should recognize their gen- tlemen friends with a bow or graceful inclination. It is their place to bow first, although among inti- mate acquaintances the recognition may be simulta- neous.

A well-bred man always removes his cigar from his lips whenever he bows to a lady.

A young lady should show the same deference to an elderly lady, or one occupying a higher social position, that a gentleman does to a lady.

WORDS OF SALUTATION.

The most common forms of salutation are — "How d'ye do?" "How are you?" "Good-morning," and " Good-evening." The two latter forms seem the most appropriate, as it is most absurd to ask after a person's health and not stop to receive the answer.

SALUTATIONS.

SALUTATIONS, 63

A respectful bow should always accompany the words of salutation.

FOREIGNERS' SALUTATIONS.

Foreigners are given to embracing. In France and Germany the parent kisses his grown-up son on the forehead, men throw their arms around the necks of their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers. It is a curious sight to Americans, with their natural prejudices against publicity in kissing.

SALUTATIONS ON THE STREET.

It is a mark of high breeding not to speak to a lady in the street, until you perceive that she has noticed you by an inclination of the head..

MEETING IN THE STREET.

If you have anything to say to any one in the street, especially a lady, however intimate you may be, do not stop the person, but turn round and walk in company; you can take leave at the end of the street.

Bow OF CIVILITY.

If there is any one of your acquaintance, with whom you have a difference, do not avoid looking at him, unless from the nature of things the quarrel is necessarily for life. It is almost always better to bow with cold civility, though without speaking.

54 SALUTATIONS.

In passing women with whom you are not partic- ularly well acquainted, bow, but do not speak.

SALUTING LADIES.

In bowing to women it is not enough that you touch your hat ; you must take it entirely off. Em- ploy for the purpose that hand which is most dis- tant from the person saluted ; thus, if you pass on the right side, use your right hand ; if on the left, use your left hand.

SHAKING HANDS.

Among friends the shaking of the hand is the most genuine and cordial expression of good-will. It is not necessary, though in certain cases it is not forbidden, upon introduction ; but when acquaint- anceship has reached any degree of intimacy, it is perfectly proper.

ETIQUETTE OF HANDSHAKING.

" The etiquette of handshaking is simple. A man has no right to take a lady's hand until it is offered. He has even less right to pinch or retain it. Two ladies shake hands gently and softly. A young la- dy gives her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's unless she is his friend. A lady should always rise to give her hand ; a gentleman, of course> never dares to do so seated. On introduction in a room a married lady generally offers her hand ; a young

SAL UTA TIONS. 55

lady, not. In a ballroom, where the introduction is to dancing, not to friendship, you never shake hands; and as a general rule, an introduction is not follow- ed by shaking hands, only by a bow. It may per- haps be laid down that the more public the place of introduction, the less handshaking takes place. But if the introduction be particular, if it be accompan- ied by personal recommendation, such as, ' I want you to know my friend Phelps,' or if Phelps comes with a letter of presentation, then you give Phelps your hand, and warmly too. Lastly, it is the priv- ilege of a superior to offer or withhold his or her hand, so that an inferior should never put his for- ward first."

When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to shake hands at all, she should give her hand with frankness and cordiality. There should be equal frankness and cordiality on the gentleman's part^ and even more warmth, though a careful avoidance of anything like offensive familiarity or that which might be mistaken as such. A lady who has only two fingers to give in handshaking had better keep them to herself; and a gentleman who rudely press- es the hand offered him in salutation, or too violen t- ly shakes it, ought never to have an opportunity to repeat his offense."

THE Kiss.

The most familiar and affectionate form of salu. tation is the kiss. It need scarcely be said that this

56 SALUTATIONS.

is only proper on special occasions and between spe- cial parties.

THE Kiss OF RESPECT.

The kiss of mere respect — almost obsolete in this country — is made on the hand. This custom is re- tained in Germany and among gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

THE Kiss OF FRIENDSHIP.

The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the cheeks and forehead. As a general rule, this act of affection is excluded from public eyes; — in the case of parents and children unnecessarily so ; for there is no more pleasing and touching sight than to see a young man kiss his mother, or a young woman her father, upon meeting or parting.

WOMEN KISSING IN PUBLIC.

Custom seems to give a kind of sanction to wom- en kissing each other in public : but there is, never- theless, a touch of vulgarity about it, and a lady of really delicate perceptions will avoid it.

SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.

CHAPTER 5.

E will, in the following chapters, dwell more particularly upon the external usages and cus- toms of polite life — a knowl- edge and practice of which are necessary to enable one to enter respectable company. In many instances we have re- peated the same idea over again, to enforce some important point. We now proceed to give the reader some advice as to the mental qualities desirable to be possessed by all who wish to make a lasting mark in " our best society."

THE VALUE OF KNOWLEDGE.

The young are apt to disregard the value of knowl- edge,— partly, we fear, from the pertinacious con- stancy with which teachers, parents, and guardians, endeavor to impress them with its inestimable worth.

" Knowledge better than houses and lands " is the title of one of the first picture-books presented to a child, and it is the substance of ten thousand pre- 57

58 SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.

cepts which are constantly dinned in his ears from infancy upwards ; so that, at first, the truth becomes tiresome and almost detested.

A GOOD CONSCIENCE.

Still it is a sober truth, of which every one should feel the force, that, with the single exception of a good conscience, no possession can be so valuable as a good stock of information.

Some portion of it is always coming into use; and there is hardly any kind of information which may not become useful in an active life.

When we speak of information, we do not mean that merely which has direct reference to one's trade, profession, or business.

GOOD CHARACTER.

To be skillful in these is a matter of absolute ne- cessity ; so much so, that we often see, for example, a merchant beginning the world with no other stock than a good character and a thorough knowledge of business, and speedily acquiring wealth and respect- ability ; while another, who is not well informed in his business, begins with a fortune, fails in every- thing he undertakes, causes loss and disgrace to all who are connected with him, and goes on blunder- ing to the end of the chapter.

SOCIA L INTERCO UR8E. 59

A WELL INFORMED MAN.

A thorough knowledge of one's business or profes- sion is not enough, of itself, to constitute what is properly called a well-informed man.

On the contrary, one who possesses this kind of in- formation only, is generally regarded as a mere ma- chine, unfit for society or rational enjoyment.

LIBERAL AND SCIENTIFIC INFORMATION.

A man should possess a certain amount of liberal and scientific information, to which he should al- ways be adding something as long as he lives ; and in this free country he should make himself ac- quainted with his own political and legal rights.

"Keep a thing seven years and you will have use for it," is an old motto which will apply admirably well to almost any branch of knowledge.

Learn almost any science, language, or art, and in a few years you will find it of service to you.

EMPLOYING LEISURE MOMENTS.

Employ that leisure which others waste in idle and corrupting pursuits, in the acquisition of those branches of knowledge which serve to amuse as well as instruct ; natural history, for example, or chemis- try, or astronomy, or drawing, or any of the numer- ous kindred branches of study.

60 SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.

SOFTENING NATURAL FEROCITY.

There is in most tempers a natural ferocity which wants to be softened ; and the study of the liberal arts and sciences will generally have this happy ef- fect in polishing the manners.

When the mind is daily attentive to useful learn- ing, a man is detached from his passions, and taken as it were, out of himself; and the habit of being so abstracted makes the mind more manageable, be- cause the passions are out of practice.

THE ARTS OF PEACE.

Besides, the arts of learning are the arts of peace, which furnish no encouragements to a hostile dis- position.

There is a dreadful mistake too current among young people, and which their own experience is apt to cherish and commend in one another — that a youth is of no consequence, and makes no figure, unless he is quarrelsome, and renders himself a ter- ror to his companions.

They call this honor and spirit; but it is false hon- or, and an evil spirit. It does not command any re- spect, but begets hatred and aversion; and as it can not well consist with the purposes of society, it leads a person into a sort of solitude, like that of the wild beast in the desert, who must spend his time by him- self, because he is not fit for company.

SOCIAL INTERCOURSE. 61

DIFFERENCES IN SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.

If any difference arises, it should be conducted with reason and moderation. Scholars should con- tend with wit and argument, which are the weapons proper to their profession.

Their science is a science of defense; it is like that of fencing with the foil, which has a guard or but- ton upon the point, that no hurt may be given. When the sword is taken up instead of the foil, fenc- ing is no longer an exercise of the school but of the field.

If a gentleman with a foil in his hand appears heated, and in a passion with his adversary, he ex- poses himself by acting out of character; because this is a trial of art, and not of passion.

The reason why people are soon offended, is only this — that they set a high value upon themselves.

SLIGHT REFLECTIONS.

A slight reflection can never be a great offense, but when it is offered to a great person; and if a man is such in his own opinion, he will measure an offense, as he measures himself, far beyond its value.

If we consult our religion upon this subject, it teaches us that no man is to value himself for any qualifications of mind or body.

What we call complaisance, gentility, or good breeding, affects to do this; and is the imitation of a most excellent virtue.

62 SOCIAL IXTEHCO URSE.

IMPROVING BY CONVERSATION.

If we would improve our minds by conversation, it is a great happiness to be acquainted with persons older than ourselves.

It is a piece of useful advice, therefore, to get the favor of their conversation frequently, as far as cir- cumstances will allow.

LEARN SOMETHING FROM ALL.

In mixed company, among acquaintance and strangers, endeavor to learn something from all.

Be swift to hear, but be cautious of your tongue* lest you betray your ignorance, and perhaps offend some of those who are present too.

Acquaint yourself therefore sometimes with per- sons and parties which are far distant from your common life and customs. This is the way whereby you may form a wiser opinion of men and things.

Be not frightened or provoked at opinions differ- ing from your own.

BE NOT TOO CONFIDENT.

Some persons are so confident they are in the right that they will not come within the hearing of any opinion but their own. They canton out to them- selves a little province in the intellectual world, where they fancy the light shines, and all the rest is in darkness.

Believing that it is impossible to learn something

SOCIAL INTERCOURSE. 63

from persons they consider much below themselves. NARROW AND LIMITED VIEWS

We are all short-sighted creatures; our views are also, narrow and limited; we often see hut one side of a matter, and do not extend our sight far and wide enough to reach everything that has a connec- tion with the thing we talk of. We see but in part; therefore it is no wonder we form incorrect conclu- sions, because we don't survey the whole of any sub- ject.

CONSULTING WITH OTHERS.

We have a different prospect of the same thing, according to the different positions of our under- standings toward it: a weaker man may sometimes light on truths which have escaped a stronger, and which the wiser man might make a happy use of, if he would condescend to take notice of them.

DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

When you are forced to differ from him who de- livers his opinion on any subject, yet agree as far as you can, and represent how far you agree; and, if there be any room for it, explain the words of the speaker in such a sense to which you can in general assent, and so agree with him, or at least by a small addition or alteration of his sentiments show your own sense of things.

84 SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.

It is the practice and delight of a candid hearei to make it appear how unwilling he is to differ from him that speaks.

Let the speaker know that it is nothing but truth constrains you to oppose him; and let that difference be always expressed in few, and civil, and chosen words, such as may give the least offence.

And be careful always to take Solomon's rule with you, and let your companion fairly finish his speech before you reply; "for he that answereth a matter be- fore he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him,"

A little watchfulness, care, and practice, in young- er life, will render all these things more easy, famil- iar, and natural to you, and will grow into habit.

CON VE KS ATION.

CONVERSATION.

CHAPTER 6.

HE finest compliment that can be paid to a woman of refine- ment and esprit is to lead the conversation into such a chan- nel as may mark your appre- ciation of her superior attain- ments.

Let your conversation be adapted as skilfully as may be to your company. Some men make a point of talking com- monplaces to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only be a trifler. Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what respects the educa- tion of a lady differs from that of a gentleman, and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which ladies are seldom acquainted. A woman of sense has as much right to be annoyed by the one as a lady of ordinary education by the other.

SUBJECTS TO BE AVOIDED.

In talking with ladies of ordinary education, avoid political, scientific or commercial topics, and choose only such subjects as are likely to be of interest to them.

65

CONVERSA TION.

TALK TO PEOPLE OF THEIR OWN AFFAIRS.

Remember that people take more interest in their own affairs than in anything else which you can name. If you wish your conversation to be thor- oughly agreeable, lead a mother to talk of her chil- dren, a young lady of her last ball, an author of his forthcoming book, or an artist of his exhibition picture. Having furnished the topic, you need only listen; and you are sure to be thought not only agreeable, but thoroughly sensible and well-in- formed.

AVOID TALKING TOO MUCH OF THEIR PROFESSIONS.

Be careful, however, on the other hand, not always to make a point of talking to persons upon general matters relating to their professions. To show an interest in their immediate concerns is flattering; but to converse with them too much about their own arts looks as if you thought them ignorant of other topics.

AVOID CLASSICAL QUOTATIONS.

Do not use a classical quotation in the presence of ladies without apologizing for, or translating it. Even this should only be done when no other phrase would so aptly express your meaning. Whether in the presence of ladies or gentlemen, much display of learning is pedantic and out of place.

CONVERSATION. 67

MODULATION.

There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is peculiar to only well-bred persons. A loud voice is both disagreeable and vulgar. It is better to err by the use of too low than too loud a tone.

SLANG.

Remember that all "slang" is vulgar. It has be- come of late unfortunately prevalent, and we have known even ladies pride themselves on the saucy chique with which they adopt certain cant phrases of the day. Such habits cannot be too severely repre- hended. They lower the tone of society and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to sup- pose that slang is in any way a substitute for wit.

USING PROVERBS AND PUNS.

The use of proverbs is equally vulgar in conversa- tion ; and puns, unless they rise to the rank of witti- cisms, are to be scrupulously avoided. There is no greater nuisance in society than a dull and persever- ing punster,

AVOID LONG ARGUMENTS.

Long arguments in general company, however en- tertaining to the disputants, are tiresome to the last degree to all others. You should always endeavor

68 CONVERSATION.

to prevent the conversation from dwelling too long upon one topic.

INTERRUPTING A PERSON WHILE SPEAKING.

Never interrupt a person who is speaking. It has been aptly said that " if you interrupt a speaker in the middle of his sentence, you act almost as rudely as if, when walking with a companion, you were to thrust yourself before him, and stop his progress."

WHISPERING IN SOCIETY.

It is considered extremely ill-bred when two per- sons whisper in society, or converse in a language with which all present are not familiar. If you have private matters to discuss, you should appoint a proper time and place to do so, without paying others the ill compliment of excluding them from your conversation.

If a foreigner be one of the guests at a small party, and does not understand English sufficiently to fol- low what is said, good-breeding demands that the conversation shall be carried on (when possible) in his own language. If at a dinner-party, the same rule applies to those at his end of the table.

MAKE THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION KNOWN.

If upon the entrance of a visitor you carry on the thread of a previous conversation, you should briefly recapitulate to him what has been said before he arrived.

COSVERSATION

WITTICISMS.

Do not be always witty, even though you be so happily gifted as to need the caution. To out- .shine others on every occasion is the surest road to unpopularity.

Always look, but never stare, at those with whom you converse.

In order to meet the general needs of conversation in society, it is necessary that a man should be well acquainted with the current news and historical events of at least the last few years.

AVOID UNFAMILIAR SUBJECTS.

Never talk upon subjects of which you know noth- ing, unless it be for the purpose of acquiring infor- mation. Many young men imagine that because they frequent exhibitions and operas they are quali- fied judges of art. No mistake is more egregious 01 universal.

INTRODUCING ANECDOTES.

Those who introduce anecdotes into their uOnrfii* sation are warned that these should invariably be "short, witty, eloquent, new, and not far-fetched."

Scandal is the least excusable of all conversation- al vulgarities.

In conversation study to be quiet and composed. Do not talk too much, and do not inflict upon your

*0 CONVERSATION.

hearers interminably long stories, in which, at the best they can have frit & little interest.

OORRECT PRONUNCIATION.

Take pains to pronounce your words correctly. Some people have a strangely vulgar way of saying hos-pi^-dble for Tios-pit-able; inter-^-ing for w-ter- esting.

AVOID REPEATING.

Some persons have an awkward habit of repeat- ing the most striking parts of a story, especially the main point, if it has taken greatly the first time. This is in very bad taste, and always excites disgust. In most cases, the story pleased the first time, only because it was unexpected.

CULTIVATING THE MIND.

Your conversation can never be worth listening to unless you cultivate your mind. To talk well you must read much. A little knowledge on many sub- jects is soon acquired by diligent reading. One does not wish to hear a lady talk politics nor a smatter- ing of science; but she should be able to understand and listen with interest when politics are discussed, and to appreciate, in some degree, tbe conversation of scientific men,

CONVERSATION. 71

Music.

A well-bred lady of the present day is expected to know something of music besides merely playing a difficult piece. She should be able to discuss the merits of different styles of music, modestly and in- telligently; a little reading on the subject, and some attention to the intellectual character of music, will enable her to do so; and as music is becoming quite a national passion, she will find the subject brought forward very frequently by gentlemen.

"A Low VOICE."

I think one can always tell a lady by her voice and laugh — neither of which will ever be loud or coarse, but soft, low, and nicely modulated. Shake- speare's unfailing taste tells us that —

*'A low voice is an excellent thing in woman."

And we believe that the habit of never raising the voice would tend much to the comfort and happi- ness of many a home: as a proof of good breeding, it is unfailing.

TALK WELL ABOUT TRIFLES.

You should endeavor to have the habit of talking well about trifles. Be careful never to make person- al remarks to a stranger on any of the guests pres- ent: it is possible, nay probable, that they may be relatives, or at least friends.

7^ CON VERSA TION

DOUBLE ENTENDRES.

I need not say that no person of decency, still less delicacy, will be guilty of a double entendre. Still, as there are persons in the world possessing neither of these characteristics who will be guilty of them in the presence of people more respectable than them- selves, and as the young and inexperienced are some- times in doubt how to receive them, it is well to make some reference to them in a book of this char^ acter. A well-bred person always refuses to under- stand a phrase of doubtful meaning. If the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with such inter- pretation would provoke a smile, then smile to just the degree called for by such interpretation, and no more. The prudery which sits in solemn and severe rebuke at a double entendre is only second in indeli- cacy to the indecency which grows hilarious over it, since both must recognize the evil intent. It is suffi- cient to let it pass unrecognized.

INDELICATE WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS.

Not so when one hears an indelicate word or ex- pression, which allows of no possible harmless inter- pretation. Then not the shadow of a smile should flit across the lips. Either complete silence should be preserved in return or the words, "I do not under- stand you," be spoken. A lady will alwaj^s fail to hear that which she should not hear, or, having un- mistakably heard, she will not understand.

CONVERSATION. 73

A lady was once in the streets of the city alone after dark, and a man accosted her. She replied to him in French. He followed her some distance try- ing to open a conversation with her; but as she per^ sisted in replying only in French, he at last turned away, completely baffled in his efforts to understand or be understood.

PKOFANITY.

A gentleman should never permit any phrase that approaches to an oath, to escape his lips in the pres- ence of a lady. If any man employs a profane ex- pression in the drawing-room, his pretensions to good-breeding are gone forever. The same reason extends to the society of men advanced in life; and he would be singularly defective in good taste, who should swear before old persons, however irreligious their own habits might be. The cause of profanity being offensive in these cases is that it denotes an entire absence of reverence and respect from the spirit of him who uses it.

LISTENING.

*'A dearth of words," says Young,

"A woman need not fear, But 'tis a task, indeed to learn to Jwar, In that, the skill of conversation lies; That shows or makes you both polite and wise."

Listening is not only a point of good-breeding and the best kind of flattery, but it is a method of ac«

74 CONVERSATION.

quiring information which no man of judgment will neglect. "This is a common vice in conversation," says Montaigue, "that instead of gathering observa- tions from others, we make it our whole business to lay ourselves open to them, and are more concerned how to expose and set out our own commodities, than how to increase our stock by acquiring new. Silence therefore, and modesty, are very advantageous qual- ities in conversation."

GIVE CREDIT FOR WHAT You LEARN.

But if a person gets knowledge in this way from another, he should always give him due credit for it : and not endeavor to sustain himself in society upon the claims that really belong to another. "It is a special trick of low cunning," says Walpole, with a very natural indignation, "to squeeze out knowledge from a modest man, who is eminent in any science; and then to use it as legally acquired, and pass the source in total silence."

THE BEST KIND OF CONVERSATION.

That conversation is the best which furnishes the most entertainment to the person conferred with, and calls upon him for the least exercise of mind. It is for this reason that argument and difference are stu- diously avoided by well-bred people; they tax and tire. It should be the aim of every one to utter his

CONVERSATION. 75

remarks in such a form that the expression of assent or opposition need not follow from him he speaks with.

INTERJECTIONS.

The interjection of such phrases as, "You know," "You see," "Don't you see?" "Do you understand?" and similar ones that stimulate the attention, and demand an answer, ought to be avoided. Make your observations in. a calm and sedate way, which your companion may attend to or not, as he pleases, and let them go for what they are worth.

AVOID WOUNDING THE FEEDINGS OF ANOTHER.

To avoid wounding the feelings of another, is the key to almost every problem of manners that can be proposed; and he who will always regulate his say- ings and doings by that principle, may chance to break some conventional rule, but will rarely vio- late any of the essentials of good-breeding. Judg- ment and attention are as necessary to fulfil this pre- cept, as the disposition; for, by inadvertence or folly as much pain may be given as by designed malevo- lence.

AFFECTATIONS.

One of the first virtues of conversation is to be perspicuous and intelligible. Those quaint and af-

76 CONVERSATION.

fected constructions, and high-flown, bookish phra- ses, in which gome indulge, to the embarrassment of those they talk to, are in bad taste and should be a\oided. There have indeed at times appeared writ- ers and schools of rhetoric who cultivated obscurity as a merit.

USE PLAIN WORDS.

A man of good sense will always make a point of using the plainest and simplest words that will con- vey his meaning; and will bear in mind that his principal or only business is to lodge his idea in the mind of his hearer. The same remark applies to distinctness of articulation; and Hannah More has justly observed that to speak so that people can hear you is one of the minor virtues.

AVOID WIT WHICH WOUNDS.

Those who have generosity enough to care for the feelings of others, or self-regard enough to covet good- will, will be careful to avoid every display of wit which wounds another. It is a happy circum- stance for the honor of our nature, and one very characteristical of the kindness of Providence, that a display of the easiest moral virtues will generally bring us more popularity than the exhibition of the greatest talente without them.

CONVERSATION. 77

Part? may be praised, good nature is ador'd; Then draw your wit as seldom as your sword, And never on the weak.

Those who scatter brilliant jibes without caring whom they wound, are as unwise as they are un- kind. Those sharp little sarcasms that bear a sting in their words, rankle long, sometimes forever, in the mind, and fester often into a fatal hatred never to be abated.

PROPER RESERVE.

Every one should avoid displaying his mind and principles and character entirely, but should let his remarks only open glimpses to his understanding. For women this precept is still more important. They are like moss-roses, and are most beautiful in spirit and in intellect, when they are but half-un- folded.

PROFESSIONAL PECULIARITIES.

When a man goes into company, he should leave behind him all peculiarities of mind and manners. That, indeed, constitued Dr. Johnson's notion of a gentleman; and as far as negatives go, the notion was correct. It is in bad taste, particularly, to employ technical or professional terms in general conversa- tion. Young physicians and lawyers often commit that error.

The most eminent members of those occupations

78 CONVERSATION.

are the most free from it; for the reason, that the most eminent have the most sense.

MODESTY.

Young men often, through real modesty, put forth their remarks in the form of personal opinions; as, with the introduction of, " I think so-and-so," or, "Now, I, for my part, have found it otherwise." This is generally prompted by humility; and yet it has an air of arrogance. The persons who employ such phrases, mean to shrink from affirming a fact into ex- pressing a notion, but are taken to be designing to extend an opinion into an affirmance of a fact.

CONVERSING WITH LADIES.

If you are a gentleman, never lower the intellect- ual standard of your conversation in addressing ladies. Pay them the compliment of seeming to consider them capable of an equal understanding with gentlemen. You will, no doubt, be somewhat surprised to find in how many cases the supposition will be grounded on fact, and in the few instances where it is not the ladies will be pleased rather than offended at the delicate compliment you pay them. When you "come down" to commonplace or small- talk with an intelligent lady, one of two things is the consequence, she either recognizes the conde- scension and despise? you, or else she accepts it as

CONVERSATION. 19

the highest intellectual effort of which you are capa- ble, and rates you accordingly.

CONCLUSION.

The foregoing rules are not simply intended as good advice. They are strict laws of etiquette, to violate any one of which justly subjects a person to the imputation of being ill-bred. But they should not be studied as mere arbitrary rules. The heart should be cultivated in the right manner until the acts of the individual spontaneously flow in the right channels.

A recent writer remarks on this subject: "Con- versation is a reflex of character. The pretentious, the illiterate, the impatient, the curious, will as inev- itably betray their idiosyncrasies as the modest, the even-tempered and the generous. Strive as we may, we cannot always be acting. Let us therefore, cul- tivate a tone of mind and a habit of life the betray- al of which need not put us to shame in the com- pany of the pure and wise; and the rest will be easy. If we make ourselves worthy of refined and intelli- gent society, we shall not be rejected from it; and in such society we shall acquire by example all that we have failed to learn from precept."

VISITS AND VISITING. CHAPTER 7.

JF visits there are various kinds, visits of congratulation, visits of condolence, visits of cere- mony, visits of friendship.

Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain good feeling between the members of soci- ety; they are required by the custom of the age in which we live and must be carefully attended to.

VISITS OP CONGRATULATIONS.

Upon the appointment of one of your friends to any office or dignity, you call upon him to congratulate, not him, but the country, community or state, on account of the honor and advantage which it derives from the appointment.

If one of your friends has delivered a public ora- tion, call upon him when he has returned home, and tender to him your thanks for the great pleasure and satisfaction for which you are indebted to him, and express your high estimation of the luminous, ele-

80

VISITS. 81

gant, &c. discourse, trusting that he will be prevail* ed upon to suffer it published.

VISITS OP CEREMONY OR CALLS.

Visits of ceremony, merging occasionally into those of friendship, but uniformly required after dining at a friends's house. Professional men are not however, in general, expected to pay such visits, because their time is preoccupied; but they form al- most the only exception.

TIME TO MAKE CEREMONIOUS VISITS.

Visits of ceremony must be necessarily short. They should on no account be made before the hour, nor yet during the time of luncheon. Persons who intrude themselves at unwonted hours are never welcome; the lady of the house does not like to be disturbed when she is perhaps dining with her chil- dren; and the servants justly complain of being in- terrupted at the hour when they assemble for their noon-day meal. Ascertain, therefore, which you can readily do, what is the family hour for luncheon, and act accordingly.

KEEP AN ACCOUNT OF CEREMONIAL VISITS:

Keep a strict account of your ceremonial visits. This is needful, because time passes rapidly; and take note how soon your calls are returned. You will thus be able, in most cases, to form an opinion wheth- er or not your frequent visits are desired. Instances

82 VISITS.

may however occur, when, in consequence of age 01 ill health, it is desirable that you should call, with- out any reference to your visits being return- ed. When desirous to act thus, remember that if possible, nothing should interrupt the discharge of this duty.

VISITS OP CEREMONY AMONG FRIENDS.

Among relations and intimate friends, visits of mere ceremony are unnecessary. It is however, need- ful to call at suitable times, and to avoid staying too long if your friend is engaged. The courtesies of society, as already noticed, must ever be maintained even in the domestic circle, or among the nearest friends.

CALLING AT AN INCONVENIENT HOUR.

Should you call by chance at an inconvenient hour, when perhaps the lady is going out, or sitting down to luncheon, retire as soon as possible, even if politely asked to remain. You need not let it aD- pear that you feel yourself an intruder; every well- bred or even good-tempered person knows what to say on such an occasion; but politely withdraw with a promise to call again, if the lady seems to be really disappointed.

VISITING AT HOTELS. If you call to see a friend who is staying at lodg-

VISITS. 83

ings, however intimate you may be with him, wait below until a servant has carried up your name and returned to tell you whether you can be admitted. If you cannot find any one to announce you, you should knock gently at the chamber-door, and wait a little while before entering. If you are in too great a hurry, you might find the person drawing off a night-cap. These decent formalities are necessary even in the most unreserved friendships; they pre- serve the "familiar" from degenerating into the "vul- gar." Disgust will very speedily arise between per- sons who bolt into one another's chambers, throw open the windows and seat themselves without being desired to do so. Such intimacies are like the junc- tion of two electrical balls, — only the prelude of a violent separation.

VISITING THE SICK.

In calling to see a person confined by illness to his room, it is not enough that you send up your name; you must wait till the servant returns.

STYLE OF CONVERSATION.

The style of your conversation should always be in keeping with the character of your visit. You must not talk about literature in a visit of condolence nor lecture on political economy in a visit of cere- mony.

84 VISITS.

VISITS OF CONDOLENCE.

Visits of condolence should be paid within a week after the event which occasions them; but if the ac- quaintance be slight, immediately after the family appear at public worship. A card should be sent up; and if your friends are able to receive you, let your manners and conversation be in harmony with the character of your visit. It is courteous to send up a mourning card; and for ladies to make their calls in black silk or plain-colored apparel. It de- notes that they sympathize with the afflictions of the family; and such attentions are always pleasing.

BEFORE GOING ABROAD.

When you are going abroad, intending to be ab- sent for some time, you enclose your card in an en- velope, having, first, written p. p. c. upon it; — they are the initials of the French phrase, "pour prendre conge" — to take leave, and may with equal propriety stand for presents parting compliments.

TAKING LEAVE OF A FAMILY.

In taking leave of a family, you send as many cards as you would if you were paying an ordinary visit. When you return from your voyage, all the persons to whom, before going, you have sent cards, will pay you the first visit.

VISITS. 85

MEETING OTHER VISITORS.

If a gentleman call at a house when a woman is visiting there at the same time, and there is no male relation of the mistress of the house present, he should rise, when she takes leave, and accompany her to her carriage, opening the doors for her. If his visit has been of tolerable length, it were less awkward, if he were to take leave at the same time; if not, return to the parlor.

GENTLEMEN'S MORNING CALL.

Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that, when they pay morning calls, they must carry their hats with them into the drawing-room; but on no account put them on the chairs or table. There is a grace- ful manner of holding a hat, which every well-bred man understands.

RETURNING FROM THE COUNTRY.

In the beginning of the season, afterpersons have returned from the country, and at the close of it when you are about to leave town, you should call upon all your acquaintance. It is polite and pleas- ant to do the same thing on New Year's day, to wish your friends the compliments of that season.

CARDS FOR CEREMONIOUS VISITS. It is becoming more usual for visits of ceremony

86 VISITS.

to be performed by cards; it will be a happy daj when that is universal.

CALLING ON STRANGERS.

If a stranger belonging to your own class of socie- ty comes to town, you should call upon him. That civility should be paid even if there be no previous acquaintance; and it does not require the ceremony of an introduction. In going to another city, you should in general wait to be visited; but the etiquette is different in many cities of our country.

ENGAGED OR NOT AT HOME.

When you call to see a person, and are informed at the door, that the party whom you ask for, is en- gaged, you should never persist in your attempt ta be admitted, but should acquiesce at once in their arrangements which the others have made for then convenience, to protect themselves from interrup- tion. However intimate you may be in any house, you have no right nor reason, when an order has been given to exclude general visitors, and no excep- tion has been made of you, to violate that exclusion and declare that the party shall be at home to you. I have known several persons who have had the hab- it of forcing an entrance into a house, after having been thus forbidden; but whatever has been the de- gree of intimacy, I never knew it done without giv- ing an offence bordering on disgust. There are many times and seasons at which a person chooses to be

VISITS. 87

wme, and when there is no friendship for which he vrould give up his occupation or his soli- tude.

EVENING VISITS.

Evening visits are paid only to those with whom we are well acquainted. They should not be very frequent even where one is intimate, nor should they be much protracted. Frequent visits will gain for a man, in any house, the reputation of tiresome, and long visits will invariably bring down the appella- tion of bore. Morning visits are always extremely brief, being matters of mere ceremony.

FRIENDLY CALLS.

It is not necessary to mention friendly calls, ex- cept to state, that almost all ceremony should be dis- pensed with, They are made at all hours without much preparation or dressing; a too brilliant attire would be out of place, and if the engagement of the day carry you in such a costume to the house of a friend, you ought obligingly to make an explana- tion.

KEEP ACCOUNT OF VISITS.

With a friend or relation whom we treat as such, we do not keep an account of our visits. The one who has the most leisure calls on the one who has the least; but this privilege ought not to be abused; it is necessary to make our visits of friend-

88 VISITS.

ship at suitable times. On the contrary, a visit of ceremony should never be made without keeping an account of it, and we should even remember the in- tervals at which they are returned, for it is indispen- sably necessary to let a similar interval elapse. Peo- ple in this way give you notice whether they wish to see you often or seldom. There are some persons whom one goes to see once in a fortnight; others, once a month; and others, less frequently.

OMITING VISITS.

In order not to omit visits, which are to be made, or to avoid making them form misinformation, when a preceding one has not been returned, persons who have an extensive acquaintance will do well to keep a little memorandum-book for this purpose.

CEREMONIOUS VISITS.

We cannot make ceremonious visits in a becom- ing manner, if we have any slight indisposition which may for the time affect our appearance or voice, which may embarrass our thoughts, and ren- der our company fatiguing.

SUITABLE TIMES FOR VISITS.

To take a suitable time for one's self, or for others, is indispensable in visiting, as in everything else; if you can obtain this by remembering the habits of the person you are going to see, by making arrange- ments so as not to call at the time of taking meals.

VISITS. 89

in moments of occupation, and when they are like- ly to be walking. This time necessarily varies; but as a general rule we must take care not to make cer- emonious visits, either before the middle of the day or after four o'clock. To do otherwise would, on the one hand, look like importunity, by presenting one's self too early, and on the other might interfere with arrangements that had been made for the even- ing.

HOW TO TREAT VISITORS,

A well-bred person aways receives visitors at what- ever time they may call, or whoever they may be; but if you are occupied and cannot afford to be interrupt- ed by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the ser- vant beforehand to say that you are " Engaged. >• The form " not at home" sometimes employed by ladies cannot be too strongly condemned. However much one may try to justify it, the fact remains that it is a falsehood. Any lady lowers herself in her own and others estimation by resorting to prevarica- tion, however slight. If the servant once admits a visitor within the hall, you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself. A lady should never keep a visitor waiting more than a minute, or two at the most, and if she cannot avoid doing so, must apologize on entering the drawing-room.

TAKING A SEAT WHILE VISITING. In good society, a visitor, unless he is a complete

9<> VISITS.

stranger, does not wait to be invited to sit down, but takes a seat at once easily. A gentleman should never take the principal place in the room, nor, on the other hand, sit at an inconvenient distance from the lady of the house. He must hold his hat grace- fully, not put it on a chair or table, or, if he wants to use both hands, must place it on the floor close to his chair.

PAY EQUAL ATTENTION TO ALL.

A well-bred lady, who is receiving two or three visitors at a time, pays equal attention to all, and attempts, as much as possible, to generalize the con- versation, turning to all in succession. The last arrival, however, receives a little more attention at first than the others, and the latter, to spare her em- barrasment, should leave as soon as convenient. People who out-sit two or three parties of visitors, unless they have some particular motive for doing so, come under the denomination of "bores." A "bore" is a person who does not know when you have had enough of his or her company.

TAKING A FRIEND WITH YOU VISITING.

Be cautious how you take an intimate friend un- invited even to the house of those with whom you may be equally intimate, as there is always a feeling ing of jealous}'' that another should share your thoughts and feelings to the same extent as them-

VISITS. 91

selves, although good breeding will induce them to behave civilly to your friend on your account.

PRIVILAGES OF LADIES.

Ladies in the present day are allowed considerable license in paying and receiving visits; subject, how- ever, to certain rules, which it is needful to define.

VISITING ACQUAINTANCES ALONE.

Young married ladies may visit their acquaintan- ces alone; but they may not appear in any public places unattended by their husbands or elder ladies. This rule must never be infringed, whether as re- gards exhibitions, or public libraries, museums, or promonades; but a young married lady is at liberty to walk with her friends of the same age, whether married or single. Gentlemen are permitted to call on married ladies at their own houses. Such calls the usages of society permit, but never without the knowledge and full permission of husbands.

A LADY CALLING ON A GENTLEMAN.

A lady never calls on a gentleman, unless profes- sionally or officially. It is not only ill-bred, but pos- itively improper to do so. At the same time, there is a certain privilege in age, which makes it possible for an old bachelor like myself to receive a visit from any married lady whom I know very intimately, but such a call would certainly not be one of cere- mony, and always presupposes a desire to consult me

92 VISITS.

on some point or other. I should be guilty of shame- ful treachery, however, if I told any one that I had received such a visit, while I should certainly expect that my fair caller would let her husband know of it.

PREFERENCE OP SEATS.

When morning visitors are announced, rise and advance toward them. If a lady enters request her to be seated on a sofa; but if advanced in life, or the visitor be an elderly gentleman, insist on their ac- cepting an easy chair, and place yourself, by them. If several ladies arrive at the same time, pay due re- spect to age and rank, and seat them in the most honorable places; these, in w:.nter, are beside the fire.

RESPECT TOWARD THE FEEBLE XND AGED.

Supposing that a young lady occupies such a seat, and a lady older than herself, or superior in condi- tion, enters the room, she must rise immediately, and having courteously offered her place to the new com- er, take another in a different part of the room.

DISCONTINUING WORK.

If a lady is engaged with her needle when a vis- itor arrives, she ought to discontinue her work, un- less requested to do otherwise; and not even then must it be resumed, unless on very intimate terms with her acquaintance. When this, however, is the

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case, the hostess may herself request permission to do so. To continue working during a visit of cere- mony would be extremely discourteous; and we can- not avoid hinting to our lady readers, that even when a particular friend is present for only a short time, it is somewhat inconsistent with etiquette to keep their eyes fixed on a crochet or knitting-book, appar- ently engaged in counting stitches, or unfolding the intricacies of a pattern. We have seen this done, and are, therefore, careful to warn them on the sub- ject. There are many kinds of light and elegant, and even useful work, which do not require close at- tention, and may be profitably pursued; and such we recommend to be always on the work-table at those hours which, according to established practice, are given to social intercourse.

VISITING CARDS.

Visitors should furnish themselves with cards. Gentlemen ought simply to put their cards into their pocket, but ladies may carry them in a small ele- gant portfolio, called a card-case. This they can hold in their hand and it will contribute essentially (with an elegant handkerchief of embroidered cam- bric,) to give them an air of good taste.

ADDRESS ON CARDS.

On visiting cards, the address is usually placed under the name, towards the bottom of the card, and in smaller letters. Mourning cards are sur-

94 VISITS.

mounted with a broad black margin; half mourn- ing ones, with a black edge only.

KEEPING CARDS.

It is bad taste to keep the cards you have received around the frame of a looking-glass; such an ex- posure shows that you wish to make a display of the names of visitors. When from some cause or other which multiplies visitors at your house; (such as a funeral or a marriage,) you are obliged to return these numerous calls, it is not amiss to preserve the cards in a convenient place, and save yourself the trouble of writing a list; but if, during the year, your glass is always seen bristling with smoke-dried cards, it will be attributed, without doubt, to an ill- regulated self esteem. If the call is made in a car- riage, the servant will ask if the lady you wish to see is at home. If persons call on foot, they go themselves to ask the servants.

LAYING ASIDE THE BONNET.

The short time devoted to a ceremonious visit, the necessity of consulting a glass in replacing the head- dress, and of being assisted in putting on the shawl, prevent ladies from accepting the invitation to lay them aside. If they are slightly familiar with the person they are visiting and wish to be more at ease, they should ask permission, which should be grant- ed them, at the same time rising, to assist them in taking off their hat and shawl. An arm-chair,

95

or a piece of furniture at a distant part of the room, should receive these articles; they should not be placed upon the couch, without the mistress of the house puts them there.

HABITUAL VISITS.

At the house of a person whom we visit habitual- ly, we can lay them aside without saying a word, and a lady can even adjust her hair, &c. before the glass, provided she occupies only a few moments in doing it. If the person you call upon is preparing to go out, or to sit down at table, you should although asked to remain, to retire as soon as possible. The person visited so unseasonably, should on her part, be careful to conceal her knowledge, that the other wishes the visit ended quickly.

We should always appear delighted to receive vis- itors; and should they make a short visit, you must express your regret.

SHORT VISITS.

Ceremonious visits should be short; if the conver- sation ceases without being again continued by the person you have come to see, and if she gets up from her seat under any pretext whatever, custom re- quires you to make your salutation and withdraw. If before this tacit invitation to retire, other visitors are announced, you should adroitly leave them with- out saying much. If, while you are present, a letter is brought to the person you are visiting, and she

06 VISITS.

should lay it down without opening it, you must en- treat her to read it; she will probably not do so, and this circumstance will warn you to shorten your visit.

UNINTENTIONAL INTRUSIONS.

In most families in this country, evening calls are the most usual. ShoXild you chance to visit a fami- ly, and find that they have a party, present yourself, and converse for a few minutes with an unembar- rassed air; after which you may retire, unless urged to remain. A slight invitation, given for the sake of courtesy, ought not to be accepted. Make no apology for your unintentional intrusion; but let it be known, in the course of a few days, that you were not aware that your friends had company.

TRUE HOSPITALITY.

In receiving guests, your first object should be to make them feel at home. Begging them to make themselves at home is not sufficient. You should display a genuine unaffected friendliness. Whether you are mistress of a mansion or a cottage, and in- vite a friend to share your hospitality, you must en- deavor, by every possible means, to render the visit agreeable. This should be done without apparent effort, that the visitor may feel herself to be a par- taker in your home enjoyments, instead of finding that you put yourself out of the way to procure ex- traneous pleasures. It is right and proper that you

VISITS. 97

seek to make the time pass lightly; but if, on the other hand, you let a visitor perceive that the whole tenor of your daily concerns is altered on her account a degree of depression will be felt, and the pleasant anticipations which she most probably entertained will fail to be realized. Let your friend be assured, from your manner, that her presence is a real enjoy- ment to you, an incentive to recreations which other- wise would not be thought of in the common rou- tine of life. Observe your own feelings when you happen to be the guest of a person who, though he may be very much your friend, and really glad to see you, seems not to know what to do either with you or himself; and again, when in the house of another you feel as much at ease as in your own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than described, between the manners of the two, and deduce there- from a lesson for your own improvement.

TREATMENT OF GUESTS.

If you have guests in your house, you are to ap- pear to feel that they are all equal for the time, for they all have an equal claim upon your courtesies. Those of the humblest condition will receive Jutt as much attention as the rest, in order that you shall not painfully make them feel their inferiority.

Offer your guests the best that you have in the way of food and rooms, and express no regrets and make no excuses that you have nothing better to give them.

98 VISITS.

Try to make your guests feel at home; and do this, not by urging them in empty words to do so but by making their stay as pleasant as possible, at the same time being careful to put out of sight any trifling trouble or inconvenience they may cause you.

Devote as much time as is consistent with other engagements to the amusement and entertainment of your guests.

DUTIES OP THE VISITOR.

On the other hand, the visitor should try to con^ form as much as possible to the habits of the house which temporarily shelters him. He should never object to the hours at which meals are served, nor should he ever allow the family to be kept waiting on his account.

It is a good rule for a visitor to retire to his own apartment in the morning, or at least seek out some occupation of his own, without seeming to need the assistance or attention of host or hostess; for it is undeniable that these have certain duties which must be attended to at this portion of the day, in ^rder to leave the balance of the time free for the entertainment of their guests.

If any family matters of a private or unpleasant nature come to the knowledge of the guest during his stay, he must seem both blind and deaf, and never refer to them unless the parties interested speak of them first. Still more is he under moral

VISITS. 99

obligations never to repeat to others what he may have been forced to see and hear.

The rule on which a host and hostess should act is to make their guests as much at ease as possible; that on which a visitor should act is to interfere as little as possible with the ordinary routine of the house.

It is not required that a hostess should spend her whole time in the entertainment of her guests. The latter may prefer to be left to their own devices for a portion of the day. On the other hand it shows the worst of breeding for a visitor to seclude him- self from the family and seek his own amusements and occupations regardless of their desire to join in them or entertain him. Such a guest had better go to a hotel, where he can live as independently as he chooses.

Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but at the same time never think of apologizing for any little additional trouble which your visit may occa- sion. It would imply that you thought your friends incapable of entertaining you without some incon- venience to themselves.

Keep your room as neat as possible, and leave no articles of dress or toilet around to give trouble to servants.

A lady will not hesitate to make her own bed if few or no servants are kept; and in the latter case she will do whatever else she can to lighten the la- bors of her hostess as a return for the additional ex- ertion her visit occasions.

100 VISITS.

LEAVETAKING.

Upon taking leave express the pleasure you have experienced in your visit. Upon returning home it is an act of courtesy to write and inform your friends of your safe arrival, at the same time repeating your thanks.

A host and hostess should do all they can to make the visit of a friend agreeable; they should urge him to stay as long as is consistent with his own plans, and at the same time convenient to them- selves. But when the time for departure has been finally fixed upon, no obstacles should be placed in the way of leavetaking. Help him in every possi- ble way to depart, at the same time giving him a general invitation to renew the visit at some future period.

"Welcome the coming, speed the parting, guest,"

expresses the true spirit of hospitality.

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

CHAPTER 8.

INNER has been pronounced by Dr. Johnson, to be, in civilized life, the most important hour of the twenty-four. The etiquette of the dinner-table has a promi- nence commensurate with the dig- nity of the ceremony. Like the historian of Peter Bell, we com- mence at the commencement, and thence proceed to the moment when you take leave officially, or vanish unseen.

INVITATIONS.

In order to dine, the first requisite is — to be invited. The length of time which the invitation precedes the dinner is always proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion, and varies from two days to two weeks.

REPLY TO INVITATION.

You reply to a note of invitation immediately, and in the most direct and unequivocal terms. If you accept, you arrive at the house rigorously at the

101

102 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

hour specified. It is equally inconvenient to be too late and to be too early. If you fall into the latter error, you find every thing in disorder ; the master of the house is in his dressing-room, changing his waistcoat; the lady is still in the pantry ; the fire not yet lighted in the parlor. If by accident or thoughtless- ness you arrive too soon, you may pretend that you called to inquire the exact hour at which they dine, having mislaid the note, and then retire to walk for an appetite.

ARRIVING TOO LATE.

If you are too late, the evil is still greater, and indeed almost without a remedy. Your delay spoils the dinner and destroys the appetite and temper of the guests ; and you yourself are so much embarrassed at the inconvenience you have occasioned, that you commit a thousand errors at table. If you do not reach the house until dinner is served, you had better retire to a restaurant, and thence send an apology, and not interrupt the harmony of the courses by awkward excuses and cold acceptances.

MANNERS AT TABLE.

Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentle- man so much as his manners at table. There are a thousand little points to be observed, which, al- though not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and well-bred man. A man may pass mus- ter by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 103

in conversation ; but if he be not perfectly "aufait " dinner will betray him.

DRESS NEATLY FOR DINNER PARTY.

Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possi- ble. The expensiveness of your apparel is not of much importance, but its freshness and cleanliness are indispensable. The hands and finger-nails re- quire especial attention. It is a great insult to every lady at the table for a man to sit down to dinner with his hands in a bad condition.

How LONG TO REMAIN AFTER DINNER.

Politeness demands that you remain at least an hour in the parlor, after dinner; and, if you can dispose of an entire evening, it would be well to devote it to the person who has entertained you. It is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over.

CONGENIAL COMPANY.

The utmost care should be taken that all the com- pany will be congenial to one another, and with a similarity of tastes and acquirements, so that there shall be a common ground upon which they may meet.

NUMBER OF GUESTS.

The number of guests should not be too large. From six to ten form the best number, being neither

104 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

too large nor too small. By no means let the num- ber at table count thirteen, for certain people have a superstition about this number; and though it is a very foolish and absurd one, it is courteous to re- spect it.

MANNER OF WRITING INVITATIONS.

The invitations should be written on small note- paper, which may have the initial letter or mono' gram stamped upon it, but good taste forbids any- thing more. The envelope should match the sheet of paper

The invitation should be issued in the name of the host and hostess.

The form of invitation should be as follows:

"Mr. and Mrs. Ford request the pleasure [or favor] of Mr. and Mrs. Harper's company at dinner on Thursday, the 13th of December, at 5 o'clock."

An answer should be returned at once, so that if the invitation is declined the hostess may modify her arrangements accordingly.

INVITATION ACCEPTED.

An acceptance may be given in the following form : "Mr. and Mrs. Harper have much pleasure in accepting Mr. and Mrs. Ford's invitation for De- cember 13th."

INVITATION DECLINED. The invitation is declined in the following manner4

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 105

"Mr. and Mrs. Harper regret that a previous en- gagement (or whatever the cause may be) will pre- vent them having the pleasure of accepting Mr. and Mrs. Ford's invitation for December 13th."

Or,

"Mr. and Mrs. Harper regret extremely that owing to [whatever the preventing cause may be,] they cannot have the pleasure of dining with Mr. and Mrs. Ford on Thursday, December 13th."

Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should be stated briefly yet plainly, that there may be no occasion for misunderstanding or hard feelings.

INVITATION TO TEA-PARTY.

The invitation to a tea-party may be less formal. It may take the form of a friendly note, something in this manner:

"DEAR Miss PATTERSON,"

"We have some friends coming to drink tea with us to-morrow: will you give us the pleasure of your company also? We hope you will not disappoint us."

One should always say "drink tea," not "take tea," which is a vulgarism.

RECEPTION OP GUESTS.

When guests are announced, the lady of the house advances a few steps to meet them; gives them her hand and welcomes them cordially.

106 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

INTRODUCTION OF GUESTS.

If there are strangers in the company, it is best to introduce them to all present, that they may feel no embarrassment.

PROCEEDING TO DINNER.

When they are all assembled, a domestic announ- ces that the dinner is served up; at this signal we rise immediately, and wait until the master of the house requests us to pass into the din- ing-room, whither he conducts us by goiag before. It is quite common for the lady of the house to act as guide to the guests, while the master offers his arm to the lady of most distinction. The guests al- so give their arms to the ladies, whom they conduct as far as the table, and to the places which they are to occupy. Having arrived at the table, each guest respectfully bows to the lady whom he conducts, and who in her turn bows also.

ARRANGING GUESTS AT TABLE.

It is one of the first and most difficult things, properly to arrange the quests, and to place them in such a manner, that the conversation may always be general during the entertainment; we should, as much as possible, avoid putting next one another, two persons of the same profession, as it would ne- cessarily result in an aside dialogue, which would injure the general conversation, and consequently

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 107

the gaiety of the occasion. The two most distin- guished gentlemen ought to be placed next the mistress of the house; and the two most distinguish- ed ladies next the master of the house; the right hand is especially the place of honor.

INTERMINGLING GUESTS.

If the number of gentlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, wo should take care to intermingle them; we should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near relations as far from one another as possible; because being always together, they ought not to converse among themselves in a general party.

At table, as well as at all other places, the lady al- ways takes precedence of the gentleman.

ASKING THE WAITER FOR ANYTHING.

If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be careful to speak to him gently in the tone of request, and not of command To speak to a waiter in a driv- ing manner will create, among well-bred people, the suspicion that you were sometime a servant yourself, and are putting on airs at the thought of your pro- motion. Lord Chesterfield says: "If I tell a foot- man to bring me a glass of wine, in a rough, insult- ing manner, I should expect that, in obeying me, he would contrive to spill some of it upon me, and I am sure I should deserve it."

i08 DINNER-PARTIES A1T& BALLS.

PRAISING EVERY DISH.

It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every dish that is set before you; but if there are some things that are really very nice, it is well to speak in their praise. But, above all things, avoid seeming indifferent to the dinner that is provided for you, as that might be construed into a dissatisfaction with it.

PICKING YOUR TEETH AT THE TABLE.

Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at the table, for however agreeable such a practice might be to yourself, it may be offensive to others. The habit which some have of holding one hand over the mouth, does not avoid the vulgarity of teeth-pick- ing at table.

SELECTING A PARTICULAR DTSH.

Unless you are requested to do so, never select any particular part of a dish; but if your host asks you what part you prefer, name some part, as in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose as well as carve for you.

DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS.

The lady and gentleman of the house, are of course helped last, and they are very particular to notice, every minute, whether the waiters are attentive to every guest. But they do not press people either to

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 109

eat more than they appear to want, nor insist upon their partaking of any particular dish. It is allow- able for you to recommend, so far as to say that it is considered "excellent," but remember that tastes dif- fer, and dishes which suit you, may be unpleasant to others; and that, in consequence of your urgency some modest people might feel themselves compelled to partake of what is disagreeable to them.

PARING FRUIT FOR A LADY.

Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless she desire you, and then be careful to use your fork to hold it; you may sometimes offer to divide a very large pear with or for a person.

DIPPING BREAD INTO PRESERVES.

It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into the preserves or gravy upon your plate and then bite it If you desire to eat them together, it is much better to break the bread in small pieces, and con- vey these to your mouth with your fork.

SOUP.

Soup is the first course. All should accept it even .11 they let it remain untouched, because it is better k> make a pretence of eating until the next course is served than to sit waiting or compel the servants to serve one before the rest.

Soup should be eaten with the side of the spoon, Hot from the point, and there should be no noise of

HO DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

sipping while eating it. It should not be called fo* a second time,

FISH.

Fish follows soup, and must be eaten with a fork, unless fish-knives are provided. Put the sauce, when it is handed you, on the side of your plate.

Fish may be declined, but must not be called for a second time.

GENERAL RULES REGARDING DINNER.

After soup and fish, come the side-dishes, which must be eaten with a fork only, though the knife may be used in cutting anything too hard for a fork.

Never apologize to a waiter for requiring him to wait upon you; that is his business. Neither re- prove him for negligence or improper conduct, that is the business of the host.

Never take up a piece of asparagus or the bones of fowl or bird with your fingers to suck them, pos sibly making the remark that "fingers were made before forks." These things should always be cut with a knife and eaten with a fork. If fingers were made before forks, so were wooden trenchers before the modern dinner service. Yet it would rathei startle these advocates of priority to be invited to a dinner-party where the dining-table was set with a wooden trencher in the centre, into which all the guests were expected to dip with their fingers.

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. HI

Bread should be broken, not bitten. This is, of course, taken with the fingers.

Be careful to remove the bones from fish before eating it. If a bone gets inadvertently into the mouth, the lips must be covered with the napkin in removing it.

Cherry-stones should be removed from the mouth as unobtrusively as possible and deposited on the side of the plate, A good way is to watch how others are doing and follow their example. A better way still is for the hostess to have her cherries stoned before they are made into pies and puddings, and thus save ber guests this dilemma.

If it is an informal dinner, and the guests pass the dishes to one another instead of waiting to be helped by a servant, you should always help yourself from the dish, if you desire to do so at all, before passing it on to the next.

A guest should never find fault with the dinner or with any part of it.

When you are helped, begin to eat without wait- ing for others to be served.

A knife should never, on any account, be put into the mouth. Many even well-bred people in other particulars think this an unnecessary regulation; but when we consider that it is a rule of etiquette, and that its violation causes surprise and disgust to many people, it is wisest to observe it;

As an illustration of this point, I will quote from a letter from the late Wm. M. Thackeray, addressed

112 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

to a gentleman in Philadelphia: "The European continent swarms with your people. They are not all as polished as Chesterfield. I wish some of them spoke French a little better. I saw five of them at supper at Basle the other night with their knives down their throats. It was awful! My daughter saw it, and I was obliged to say, 'My dear, your great- great grandmother, one of the finest ladies of the old school I ever saw, always applied cold steel to her wittles. It's no crime to eat with a knife/ which is all very well; but I wish five of 'em at a time wouldn't."

WATCHING HOW OTHERS DO.

to'peaking of watching how others are doing, and following their example, reminds us of an anecdote told us not long since by the lady who played the principal part in it.

She was visiting at the house of a friend, and one day there was upon the dinner-table some sweet corn cooked on the ear. Not knowing exactly how to manage it so as not to give offense, she concluded to observe how the others did. Presently two of the members of the family took up their ears of corn in their fingers and ate the grain directly from the cob. So Miss Mary thought she might venture to eat hers in the same manner. Scarcely had she begun, how- ever, when her hostess turned to her little boy and said, "I am going to let you eat your corn just like a little pig to-day."

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 113

"How is that, mamma?" questioned the boy.

"Look at Miss Mary," was the reply. "I am going to let you eat it just as Miss Mary is eating hers."

The mixed state of Miss Mary's feelings can be better imagined than described.

Never use a napkin in the place of a handkerchief by wiping the forehead or blowing the nose with it.

Do not scrape your plate or tilt it to get the last drop of anything it may contain, or wipe it out with a piece of bread.

Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Everything that can be cut without a knife, should be cut with a fork alone.

Eat slowly.

Pudding may be eaten with a fork or spoon. Ice requires a spoon.

Cheese must be eaten with a fork.

Talk in a low tone to your next neighbor, but not in so low a tone but that your remarks may become general. Never speak with the mouth full.

Never lay your hand or play with your fingers upon the table. Neither toy with your knife, fork or spoon, make pills of your bread nor draw imag- inary lines upon the table-cloth.

Never bite fruit. An apple, pear or peach should be peeled with a silver knife, and all fruit should be broken or cut.

114 DINNERPARTIES AND BALLS.

URGING GUESTS TO EAT.

A mistress of a house ought never to appear to pride herself regarding what is on her table, nor confuse herself with apologies for the bad cheer which she offers you; it is much better for her to ob- serve silence in this respect, and leave it to her guests to pronounce eulogiums on the dinner; nei- ther is it in good taste to urge guests to eat nor to load their plate against their inclination.

WAITING ON OTHERS.

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person, politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for themselves to drink, of procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining what- ever they are in want of at the table and he should be eager to offer them what he thinks to be most to their taste.

MONOPOLIZING CONVERSATION

It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation which ought to be general. If the company is large we should converse with our neighbors, raising the voice only loud enough to make ourselves heard.

SIGNAL FOR LEAVING THE TABLE.

It is for the mistress of the house to give the sig- nal to leave the table; all the guests then rise, and, offering their arms to the ladies, wait upon them to the door.

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. ^5

You should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment, unless from urgent necessity.

We are glad to say that the English habit of gen- tlemen remaining at the table, after the ladies have retired, to indulge in wine, coarse conversation and obscene jokes, has never been received into popular favor in this country. The very words "after-dinner jokes" suggest something indecent. We take our manners from Paris instead of London, and ladies and gentlemen retire together from the dining-table instead of the one sex remaining to pander to their baser appetites, and the other departing with all their delicate sentiments in a state of outrage if they pause to think of the eause of their dismissal.

After retiring to the drawing-room the guests should intermingle in a social manner, and the time until the hour of taking leave may be spent either in conversation or in various entertaining games. It is expected the guests will remain two or three hours after the dinner.

DANCING.

Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says : "Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing: but it is one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes obliged to conform; and then they should be able to do it well. And though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when you do dance, I would have you dance well, as I would have you do everything you do well." In

116 DINNER-PAMTIES AND BALLS.

another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your danc- ing while your dancing master is with you ? As you will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet, I would have you dance it very well. Remember that the graceful motion of the arms, the giving of your hand, and the putting off and putting on of your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a gentle- man's dancing. But the greatest advantage of danc- ing well is, that it necessarily teaches you to present yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly; all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion."

GIVING A BALL.

If you cannot afford to give a ball in good style, you had better not attempt it at all.

Having made up your mind to give a ball and to do justice to the occasion, and having settled upon the time, the next thing is to decide whom and how many to invite. In deciding upon the number a due regard must be paid to the size of the rooms; and after making allowance for a reasonable number who may not accept the invitation, there should be no more invited than can find comfortable accommoda- tions, both sitting and standing-room being taken into account, and at the same time have the floor properly free for dancing. The more guests you have the more brilliant, and the fewer you have the more enjoyable, will the occasion be.

Any number over a hundred guests constitutes ^ /large ball:" under fifty it is merely a "dance."

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 117

CHOICE OF GUESTS.

As dancing is the amusement of the evening, due regard should be paid to the dancing qualifications of the proposed guests.

ISSUING INVITATIONS.

The invitations issued and accepted for an even- ing party will be written in the same style as those already desciibed for a dinner-party. They should be sent out at least from seven to ten days before the day fixed for the event, and should be replied to within a week of their receipt, accepting or declining with regrets. By attending to these courtesies, the guests will have time to consider their engagements and prepare their dresses, and the hostess will also know what will be the number of her party.

PREJUDICES AGAINST DANCING.

One should be scrupulous and not wound the prej- udices of a friend by sending her an invitation to a ball when it is well known she is conscientiously opposed to dancing.

NOTES OP INTERROGATION.

No one now sends a note of interrogation to a dance; cards are universally employed. The form of an invitation to a tea-party .differs from that to a dance, in respect that the one specifies that you are invited to tea, the other <jpes not, but merely requests

118 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

the pleasure of your company on such an evening, and perhaps names the hour.

VARIETY OF TOILET.

Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that idlers and malignant wits, who are always a ma- jority in the world, should amuse themselves by making your dress the description of your person.

CHOICE OF ATTIRE.

Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputa- tion by the odd choice of their attire, and by their eagerness to seize upon the first caprices of the fash- ions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies of a spoiled child; but it applauds a woman of sense and taste, who is not in a hurry to follow the fash- ions, and asks how long they will last, before adopt- ing them ; finally, who selects and modifies them with success according to her size and figure.

EVENING PARTY.

If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we may wear a summer walking-dress, the mistress of the house gives verbal invitations, and does not omit to apprise her friends of this circumstance, or they might appear in unsuitable dresses. If, on the contrary the soiree is to be in reality a ball, the in- vitations are written, or what is better, printed and expressed in the third person.

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLk. 119

THE CLOAK ROOM.

A room appropriate for the purpose, and furnish- ed with cloak-pins to hang up the shawls and other dresses of the ladies, is almost indispensable. Do- mestics should be there also, to aid them in taking off and putting on their outside garments.

WHEN TO ARRIVE.

We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed jour; it is even fashionable to go an hour later. Married ladies are accompanied by their husbands : unmarried ones, by their mother, or by an escort.

REFUSING TO DANCE.

A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she has already accepted that of another, for she would be guilty of an incivility which might occasion trouble; she would, more- over, seem to show contempt for him whom she refused, and would expose herself to receive in secret an ill compliment from the mistress of the house.

GIVING A REASON FOR NOT DANCING.

When a young lady declines dancing with a gentle- man, it is her duty to give him a reason why, al- though some thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of cour- tesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to compromise big

120 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

self-respect as to take the slightest offense at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance im- mediately after with some one else.

How TO ASK A LADY TO DANCE.

In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, " Will you honor me with your hand for a quadrille? * or, "Shall I have the honor of dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the pleasure?" or, "Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you.

LEAVING A BALL ROOM.

Married or young ladies, cannot leave a ball- room, or any other party, alone. The former should be accompanied by one or two other married ladies, and the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent her.

TALKING TOO MUCH.

Ladies should avoid talking too much ; it will oc- casion remarks. It has also a bad appearance to whisper continually in the ear of your partner.

WALL FLOWERS.

The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance; he should take notice, particularly of those who seem to serve as drapery to the walls of the ball-room, (or wall-flowers, as the familiar expres- sion is,) and should see that they are invited to dance.

DINNEJR-PARTIES AND BALLS. 121

But he must do this wholly unperceived, in order not to wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate la- dies.

DUTIES OF GENTLEMEN.

Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests to dance with these ladies, should be ready to accede to his wish, and even appear pleased at dancing with a person thus recommended to their notice.

DUTIES OF LADIES.

Ladies who dance much, should he very careful not to boast before those who dance but little or not at all, of the great number of dances for which they are engaged in advance. They should also, without being perceived, recommend to these less fortunate ladies, gentlemen of their acquaintance.

WHILE DANCING.

In giving the hand for ladies chain or any other figures, those dancing should wear a smile, and ac- company it with a polite inclination of the head, in the manner of a salutation. At the end of the dance, the gentleman reconducts the lady to her place, bows and thanks her for the honor which she has confer- red. She also bows in silence, smiling with a grar cious air.

RESERVE AND POLITENESS. In these assemblies, we should conduct onrselyee

122 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

with reserve and politeness towards all present, al- though they may be unknown to us.

WHEN NOT TO DANCE.

Never hazard taking part in a quadrille, unless you know how to dance tolerably; for if you are a novice, or but little skilled, you would bring disor- der into the midst of pleasure. Being once engaged to take part in a dance, if the figures are not famil- iar, be careful not to advance first. You can in this way govern your steps by those who go before you. Beware, also, of taking your place in a set of dan- cers more skillful than yourself. When an unprac- ticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprize him of his error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a lesson.

GRACE AND MODESTY.

Dance with grace and modesty, neither affect to make a parade of your knowledge; refrain from great leaps and ridiculous jumps, which would at- tract the attention of all towards you.

PRIVATE PARTY.

In a private ball or party, it is proper for a lady to show still more reserve, and not manifest more preference for one gentleman than another; she shoulcj dance with all who ask properly.

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 123

PUBLIC BALLS.

In public balls, a gentleman offers his partner re- freshments, but which she very seldom accepts, un- less she is well acquainted with him. But in pri- vate parties, the persons who receive the company, send round cake and other refreshments, of which every one helps themselves. Near the end of the evening, in a well regulated ball, it is customary to have a supper; but in a soiree, without great prep- aration, we may dispense with a supper; refresh- ments are, however, necessary, and not to have them would be the greatest impoliteness.

VISIT OP THANKS.

We should retire incognito, in order not to disturb the master and mistress of the house; and we should make them, during the week, a visit of thanks, at which we may converse of the pleasure of the ball and the good selection of the company.

DEPORTMENT IN PUBLIC PLACES.

The proprieties in deportment, which concerts re- quire, are little different from those which are re- cognized in every other assembly, or in public exhi- bitions, for concerts partake of the one and the oth- er, according as they are public or private. In pri- fate concerts, the ladies occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups behind, or at the side of them. We should observe the most pro-

124 DINNERPARTIES AND BALLS.

found silence, °jid refrain from beating time, hum- ming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of admiration. It often happens that a dancing soiree succeeds a concert, and billets of in- vitation, distributed two or three days before hand should give notice of it to the persons invited.

GENEKAL KULES FOR A BALL-ROOM.

A. lady will not cross a ball-room unattended.

A gentleman will not take a vacant seat next a lady who is a stranger to him. If she is an acquaint- ance, he may do so with her permission.

White kid gloves should be worn at a ball, and only be taken off at supper-time.

In dancing quadrilles do not make any attempt to take steps. A quiet walk is all that is required.

When a gentleman escorts a lady home from a ball, she should not invite him to enter the house ; and even if she does so, he should by all means de- cline the invitation. He should call upon her during the next day or evening.

As the guests enter the room, it is not necessary for the lady of the house to advance each time to- ward the door, but merely to rise from her seat to receive their courtesies and congratulations. If, in- deed, the hostess wishes to show particular favor to some peculiarly honored guests, she may introduce them to others, whose acquaintance she may imag- ine will be especially suitable and agreeable.

When entering a private ball or party, the visitor

DINNER-PARTIES AND BALL8. 125

should invariably bow to the company. No well- bred person would omit this courtesy in entering a drawing-room; although the entrance to a large as sembly may be unnoticed.

Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards; there- fore, should you meet her, at most you may lift your hat; but even that is better avoided — unless, indeed, she first bow — as neither she nor her friends can know who or what you are.

Never wait until the signal is given to take a part- ner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a la- dy hastily, and when the dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set is incomplete.

In private parties, a lady is not to refuse the invi- tation of a gentleman to dance, unless she be pre- viously engaged. The hostess must be supposed to have asked to her house only those persons whom she knows to be perfectly respectable and of unblem- ished character, as well as pretty equal in position; and thus, to decline the offer of any gentleman pres- ent, would be a tacit reflection on the gentleman or lady of the house.

CONCLUSION.

There is a custom which is sometimes practiced both in the assembly room and at private parties, which cannot be too strongly reprehended; we allude

126 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.

to the habit of ridicule and ungenerous criticism of those who are ungraceful or otherwise obnoxious to censure, which is indulged in by the thoughtless, particularly among the dancers. Of its gross im- propriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an opinion; but there is such an utter disregard for the feelings of others implied in this kind of negative censorship, that we cannot forbear to warn our young readers to avoid it. The "Koran" says: "Do not mock — the mocked may be better than the mocker." Those you condemn may not have had the same ad- vantages as yourself in acquiring grace or dignity, while they may be infinitely superior in purity of heart and mental accomplishments. The advice of Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with society, to do as you would be done by, is founded on the Christian precept, and worthy of commendation. Imagine yourself the victim of another's ridicule, and you will cease to indulge in a pastime which on- ly gains for you the hatred of those you satirize, if they chance to observe you, and the contempt of others who have noticed your violation of politeness, and abuse of true sociality.

STREET ETIQUETTE.

CHAPTER 9.

EETING a lady on the street, it is not customary in Eng- land for a gentleman to recognize or speak to her un- less she first smiles or bows. But on the continent of Europe the rule is reversed, and no lady, however inti- mate you may be with her, will acknowledge you in the street unless you first honor her with a bow of recogni- tion. The American fash- ion is not like either of them. For here the really well-bred man always politely and respectfully bows to every lady lie knows, and, if she is a well-bred woman, she acknowledges the respect paid her. If she expects no further acquaintance, her bow is a mere formal, but always respectful, recognition of the good manners which have been shown her, and no gentleman ever takes advantage of such politeness to push a further acquaintance uninvited. But why should a lady and gentleman, who know each other, scornfully and doggedly pass each other in the streets as though they were enemies? There is no good reason for such impoliteness, in the prac-

127

128 STREET JETIQ UETTE.

tice of politeness. As compared with the English, the French or continental fashion is certainly more consonant with the rules of good breeding. But the American rule is better than either, for it is based upon the acknowledged general principle, that it is every gentleman's and lady's duty to be polite in all places. Unless parties have done something to for- feit the respect dictated by the common rules of po- liteness, there should be no deviation from this prac- tice. It is a ridiculous idea that we are to practice ill-manners in the name of etiquette.

FRIENDS ON THE STREET.

While walking the street no one should be so ab- sent-minded as to neglect to recognize his friends. If you do not stop, you should always bow, touch your hat, or bid your friend good day. If you stop, you can offer your hand without removing your glove. If you stop to talk, retire on one side of the walk. If your friend has a stranger with him and you have anything to say, you should apologize to the stran- ger. Never leave your friend abruptly to see anoth- er person without asking him to excuse your depart- ure. If you meet a gentleman of your acquaintance walking with a lady whom you do not know, lift your hat as you salute them. If you know the lady you should salute her first.

Never fail to raise your hat politely to a lady ac- quaintance; nor to a male friend who may be walk- ing with a lady — it is a courtesy to the lady.

STREET ETIQUETTE.

STREET ETIQUETTE. 129

OMITTING TO RECOGNIZE ACQUAINTANCES.

A gentleman should never omit a punctilious ob- servance of the rules of politeness to his recognized acquaintances, from an apprehension that he will not be met with reciprocal marks of respect. For instance, he should not refuse to raise his hat to an acquaintance who is accompanied by a lady, lest her escort should, from ignorance or stolidity, return his polite salutation with a nod of the head. It is bet- ter not to see him, than to set the example of a rude and indecorous salutation. In all such cases, and in all cases, he who is most courteous has the advan- tage, and should never feel that he has made a hu- miliating sacrifice of his personal dignity. It is for the party whose behavior has been boorish to have a consciousness of inferiority.

SHAKING HANDS WITH A LADY.

Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if you have on dark gloves, as you may soil her white ones. If you meet a lady friend with whom you wish to converse, you must not stop, but turn and walk along with her; and should she be walking with a gentleman, first assure yourself that you are not intruding before you attempt to join th« two in their walk.

YOUNG LADIES CONDUCT ON THE STREET.

After twilight, a young lady would not be conduct- ing herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone;

ISO STREET ETIQ, UETTE.

and if she passes the evening with any one, she ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for her at a stated hour ; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of the person whom she is vis- iting, to permit a servant to accompany her. But, however much this may be considered proper, and consequently an obligation, a married lady, well ed- ucated, will disregard it if circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a conduc- tor.

ACCOMPANYING VISITORS.

If the host wishes to accompany you himself, you must excuse yourself politely for giving him so much trouble but finish, however, by accepting. On arriv- ing at your house, you should offer him your thanks. In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request your husband, or some one of your relatives, to come and wait upon you; you will, in this way, avoid all inconveniences, and be entirely free from that harsh criticism which is sometimes indulged in, especially in small towns, concerning even the most innocent acts.

FULFILLING AN ENGAGEMENT.

If, when on your way to fulfill an engagement, a friend stops you in the street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell him of your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk,

STREET ETiq UETTE. 131

but do so in a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity.

CONDUCT WHILE SHOPPING.

In inquiring for goods at a store, do not say, I want so and so, but say to the clerk — show me such or such an article, if you please — or use some other polite form of address. If you are obliged to exam- ine a number of articles before you are suited, apol- ogize to him for the trouble you give him. If, after all, you cannot suit yourself, renew your apologies when you go away, If you make only small pur- chases, say to him — I am sorry for having troubled you for so trifling a thing.

TAKING OFF YOUR GLOVE.

You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake hands with a lady or gentleman. If it is warm weather it is more agreeable to both parties that the glove should be on — especially if it is a lady with whom you shake hands, as the perspiration of your bare hand would be very likely to soil her glove.

ASKING INFORMATION.

If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street, he will lift his hat, or at least touch it re- spectfully, as he replies. If he cannot give the in* formation required, he will express his regrets.

132 STREET JETIQ UETTE.

CROSSING A MUDDY STREET. When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With her right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown and draw them toward the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment when the mud is very deep.

EXPENSIVE DRESSES IN THE STREET.

Most American ladies in our cities wear too rich and expensive dresses in the street. Some, indeed, will sweep the side-walks with costly stuffs only fit for a drawing-room or a carriage. This is in bad taste; and is what ill-natured people would term snob- bish.

CARRIAGE OF A LADY IN PUBLIC.

A lady walks quietly through the streets, seeing and hearing nothing that she ought not to see and hear, recognizing acquaintances with a courteous bow and friends with words of greeting. She is al- ways unobtrusive. She never talks loudly or laughs boisterously, or does anything to attract the atten- tion of the passers by. She simply goes about her business in her own quiet, lady-like way, and by her preoccupation is secure from all the annoyance to which a person of less perfect breeding might be subjected.

STREET ETiq UETTE. 133

FORMING ACQUAINTANCES IN PUBLIC.

A lady, be she young or old, never forms an ac- quaintance upon the streets or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of persons of the other sex. To do so would render false her claims to ladyhood? if it did not make her liable to far graver charges.

DEMANDING ATTENTIONS.

A lady never demands attentions and favors from a gentleman, but always accepts them gratefully and graciously and with expressed thanks.

MEETING A LADY ACQUAINTANCE. A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the street, should not presume to join her in her walk without ascertaining that his company would be en- tirely agreeable. It might be otherwise, and she should frankly say so. A married lady usually leans upon the arm of her husband; but single ladies do not, in the day, take the arm of a gentleman, unless they are willing to acknowledge an engagement. Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and gentle- men accompanying ladies, in crossing the street.

STOPPING A LADY ON THE STREET.

If you have anything to say to a lady whom you may happen to meet in the street, however intimate you may be, do not stop her, but turn round and walk in company; you can taks leave at the end of the street.

134 STREET ETIQ UETTE.

PASSING ACQUAINTANCES.

When you are passing in the street, and see com- ing toward you a person of your acquaintance wheth- er a lady or an elderly person, you should offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If a carriage should happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditioue- ly; wait your turn, and if any of the persons before mentioned come up, you should edge up to the wall in order to give them the place. They also, as they pass, should bow politely to you.

CROWDING BEFORE ANOTHER.

If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the gutters, which has become suddenly filled with water, it is not proper to crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge.

GIVING THE ARM.

In walking with a lady, it is customary to give her the right arm; but where circumstances render it more convenient to give her the left, it may prop- erly be done. If you are walking with a lady on a crowded street, like State or Madison, by all means give her the outside, as that will prevent her from being perpetually jostled and run against by the hur- rying crowd.

STREET ETiq UETTE. 135

WHEN TO OFFER YOUR ARM.

You should offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walking whenever her safety, comfort, or convenience may seem to require such attention on your part. At night your arm should always be ten- dered, and also when ascending the steps of a pub- lic building. In walking with any person you should keep step with military precision, and with ladies and elderly people you should always accom- modate your speed to theirs.

RETURNING A SALUTE.

If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person who is a stranger to you, you should return it, not for yourself, but for her.

PASSING BEFORE A LADY.

When a lady whom you accompany wishes to en- ter a store, you should hold the door open and al- low her to enter first, if practicable; for you must never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an apology

CORNER LOAFERS.

No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels, nor on the corners of the street, gazing impertinent ly at the ladies as they pass. That is such an un- mistakable sign of a loafer, that one can hardly im- agine a well-bred man doing such a thing.

136 STREET ETIQ, UETTE.

SHOUTING.

Never speak to your acquaintances from one side of the street to the other. Shouting is a certain sign of vulgarity. First approach, and then make your communication to your acquaintance or friend in a moderately loud tone of voice.

GENTLEMEN WALKING WITH A LADY. When two gentlemen are walking with a lady in the street, they should not be both upon the same side of her, but one of them should walk upon the outside and the other upon the inside.

CROSSING THE STREET WITH A LADY.

If you are walking with a woman who has your arm, and you cross the street, it is better not to dis- engage your arm, and go round upon the outside. Such effort evinces a palpable attention to form, and that is always to be avoided.

GENERAL RULES.

A lady should never take the arms of two men, one being upon either side; nor should a man carry a woman upon each arm. The latter of these in- iquities is practiced only in Ireland; the former perhaps in Kamtskatcha. There are, to be sure, some cases in which it is necessary for the protection of the women; that they should both take his arm, as in coming home from a concert, or in passing, on any occasion, through a crowd.

STREET ETIQUETTE. 137

PASSING THROUGH A CROWD.

In walking in the street with a woman, if at any place, by reason of the crowd, or from other cause you are compelled to proceed singly, you should al- ways precede your companion.

In passing a lady in the street, wno is accompan- ied by a gentleman on the outside, there is the same reason for your taking the inside that there would be for you to walk on that side if you were with them. You should take that side, then, unless you would pay the gentleman, if he were alone, the com- pliment of giving him the wall.

SALUTING A LADY.

When you salute a lady or a gentleman to whom you wish to show particular respect, in the street, you should take your hat entirely off and cause it to de- scribe a circle of at least ninety degrees from its or- iginal resting place.

ASCENDING A MOUNTAIN.

If you are walking with a woman in the country, — ascending a mountain or strolling by the bank of a river, — and your companion being fatigued, should choose to sit upon the ground, on no account allow yourself to do the same, but remain rigorously stand- ing. To do otherwise would be flagrantly indecorous and she would probably resent it as the greatest in- sult.

138 STREET ETIQ UETTE.

In mounting a pair of stairs in company with a woman, run up before her; in coming down, walk behind her.

MEETING ON THE STREET.

If, in walking, you meet a friend, accompanied by one whom you do not know, speak to • both. Al- so, if you are walking with a friend who speaks to a friend whom you are not acquainted with, you should speak to the person ; and with as much respect and ease as if you knew the party. If you meet a man whom you have met frequently before, who knows your name, and whose name you know, it is polite to salute him.

INTRUSIVE INQUIRIES ON MEETING.

If you meet or join or are visited by a person who has a book or box, or any article whatever, under his arm or in his hand, and he does not offer to show it to you, you should not, even if he be your most in- timate friend, take it from him and look at it. There may be many reasons why he would not like you to see it, or be obliged to answer the inquiries or give the explanations connected with it. That intrusive curiosity is very inconsistent with the delicacy of a well-bred man, and always offends in some degree.

SMOKING WHILE WALKING.

In walking with a lady, never permit her to en- cumber herself with a book, parcel, or anything of

STREET ETIQ, UETTE. 139

that kind, but always offer to carry it. As to smok- ing, it certainly is not gentlemanly to smoke while walking with ladies ; but modern notions on the to- bacco question are growing very lax, and when by the seaside or in the country, or in any but fashion- able quarters, if your fair companion does not ob- ject to a cigar, never a pipe, you will not comprom- ise yourself very much by smoking one.

TAKING OFF YOUR HAT.

If there is any man whom you wish to conciliate, you should make a point of taking off your hat to him as often as you meet him. People are always gratified by respect, and they generally conceive a good opinion of the understanding of one who ap- preciates their excellence so much as to respect it. Such is the irresistible effect of an habitual display of this kind of manner, that perseverance in it will often conquer enmity and obliterate contempt.

RIDING AND DRIVING.

CHAPTER 10.

|N these days of fast locomotion, etc., the very delightful rec- reation and exercise of riding on horseback is partaken of too little. This is to be regretted for nothing is bet- ter calculated to develop the physical health and animal spirits, nothing is more con- ducive to pleasure of a rational character than the ride on horseback upon every pleasant day.

ETIQUETTE OP RIDING.

The etiquette of riding is very exact and import- ant. Remember that your left when in the saddle is called the near side, and your right the off side, and that you always mount on the near side. In do- ing this put your left foot in the stirrup, your left hand on the saddle, then, as you take a spring, throw your right leg over the animal's back. Re- member, also, that the rule of the road, both in riding and driving, is, that you keep to the left, or near side in meeting ; and to the right, or off side in passing.

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RIDING AND DRIVING. 141

RIDING IN PUBLIC.

Never appear in public on horseback unless you have mastered the inelegancies attending a first ap- pearance in the saddle. A novice makes an exhibi- tion of himself, and brings ridicule on his friends. Having got a "seat" by a little practice, bear in mind the advice conveyed in the old rhyme —

"Keep up your head and your heart,"

Your hands and your heels keep down, Press your knees close to your horse's sides, And your elbows close tojrour own."

This may be called the whole art of riding, in one lesson.

BIDING WITH LADIES.

In riding with ladies, recollect that it is your duty to see them in their saddles before you mount. And the assistance they require must not be rendered by a groom; you must assist them yourself.

ASSISTING A LADY TO MOUNT.

The lady will place herself on the near side of the horse, her skirt gathered up in her left hand, her right hand on the pommel, keeping her face towards the horse's head. You stand at his shoulder, facing her, and stooping hold your hand so that she may place her left foot in it; then lift it as she springs, BO as to aid her, but not to give such an impetus that, like "vaulting ambition," she looses hei balance

142 RIDING AND DRIVING.

and "falls o' the other side." Next, put her foot in the stirrup, and smooth the skirt of her habit. Then you are at liberty to mount yourself.

PACE IN RIDING.

The lady must always decide upon the pace. It is ungenerous to urge her or incite her horse to a faster gait than she feels competent to undertake.

Keep to the right of the lady or ladies riding with you.

Open all gates and pay all tolls on the road.

MEETING FRIENDS ON HORSEBACK.

If you meet friends on horseback do not turn back with them; if you overtake them do not thrust your company on them unless you feel assured that it is agreeable to them for you to do so.

MEETING A LADY.

If, when riding out, you meet a lady with whom you are acquainted, you may bow and ride on; but you cannot with propriety carry on a conversation with her while you retain your seat on horseback. If very anxious to talk to her, it will be your duty to alight, and to lead your horse.

ASSISTING A LADY TO ALIGHT FROM A HORSE

After the ride the gentleman must assist his com- panion to alight. She must first freejier knee from the pommel and be certain that her habit is entirely

RIDING AND DRIVING. 143

disengaged. He must then take her left hand in his right and offer his left hand as a step for her foot. He must lower this hand gently and allow her to reach the ground quietly without springing. A lady should not attempt to spring from the saddle.

ENTERING A CARRIAGE.

If you enter a carriage with a lady, let her first take her place on the seat facing the horses ; then sit opposite, and on no account beside her, unless you are her husband or other near relative. Enter a carriage so that your back is towards the seat you are to occupy; you will thus avoid turning round in the carriage, which is awkward. Take care that you do not trample on the ladies' dresses, or shut them in as you close the door.

ALIGHTING FROM A CARRIAGE.

The rule in all cases is this: You quit the car- riage first and hand the lady out.

It is quite an art to decend from a carriage prop- erly. More attention is paid to this matter in Eng- land than in America. We are told an anecdote by M. Mercy d'Argenteau illustrative of the importance of this. He says: "The princess of Hesse-Darm- stadt, having been desired by the empress of Austria to bring her three daughters to court in order that Her Imperial Majesty might choose one of them for a wife to one of her sons, drove up in her coach to the palace gate. Scarcely had they entered her pres-

144 RIDING AND DRIVING

ence when, before even speaking to them, the em- press went up to the second daughter, and taking her by the hand said, "'I choose this young lady/

"The mother, astonished at the suddenness of her choice, inquired what had actuated her.

"'I watched the young ladies get out of their car- riage/ said the empress. 'Your eldest daughter stepped on her dress, and only saved herself from falling by an awkward scramble. The youngest jumped from the coach to the ground without touch- ing the steps. The second, just lifting her dress in front as she decended, so as to show the point of her shoe, calmly stepped from the carriage to the ground neither hurriedly nor stiffly, but with grace and dig- nity. She is fit to be an empress. The eldest sist- er is too awkward, the youngest too wild.

If you are driving in company with another who holds the reins, you should most carefully abstain from even the slightest interference, by word or act, with the province of the driver. Any comment, ad- vice, or gesture of control, implies a reproof which is very offensive. If there be any point of immi- nent danger, where you think his conduct wrong, you may suggest a change, but it must be done with great delicacy and must be prefaced by an apology. During the ordinary course of the drive, you should resign yourself wholly to his control, and be entire- ly passive.

RIDING AND DRIVING 145

If you do not approve of his manner, or have not confidence in his skill, you need not drive with him again; but while you are with him, you should yield implicitly.

ASSISTING A LADY INTO A CARRIAGE.

A gentleman in assisting a lady into a carriage will take care that the skirt of her dress is not al lowed to hang outside. It is best to have a car- riage-robe to protect it entirely from the mud or dust of the road. He should provide her with her parasol, fan and shawl before he seats himself, and make certain that she is in every way comfortable.

If a lady has occasion to leave the carriage before the gentleman accompanying her, he must alight to assist her out ; and if she wishes to resume her seat in the carriage, he must again alight to help her to do so.

TRAVELERS AND TRAVELING.

CHAPTER 11.

EHAVIOR while traveling is a cer- tain indication of a person's breed- ing. Travelers seldom pay little attention either to the comforts or distresses of their fellow travelers ; and the commonest observances of politeness are often sadly neglected by them. In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a public table, the courtesies of life seem to be trampled under foot. Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and shamefully neglected in the headlong rush for desirable seats in the railway cars. To see the behavior of American people on their travels, one would suppose that we were anything but a refined nation ; and I have often wondered whether a major- ity of our travelers could really make a decent appear- ance in social society.

A LADY TRAVELING ALONE.

A lady accustomed to traveling, if she pays proper attention to the rules of etiquette, may travel

146

TRA VELING. 147

alone anywhere in the United States with perfect safety and propriety.

But there are many ladies to whom all the ways of travel are unknown, and to such, an escort is very acceptable. When a gentleman has a lady put in his charge for a journey, he should he at the depot in ample time to procure her ticket and see that her baggage is properly checked.

ON ARRIVAL OF THE TRAIN. On the arrival of the train, he should attend her to the car and secure the best possible seat for her. He should give her the choice of taking the outside or window seat, should stow away her packages in the proper receptacle, and then do all he can to make her journey a pleasant one.

ARRIVING AT DESTINATION. Arrived at their destination, he should see her safely in a car or carriage, or at least conduct her to the ladies' room of the station, before he goes to see about the baggage. He should attend her to the door or deliver her into the charge of friends before he relaxes his care. He should call upon her the following day to see how she has withstood the fa- tigues of her journey. It is optional with her at this time whether she will receive him, and thus prolong the acquaintance, or not. However it is scarcely supposed that a lady of really good breed- ing would refuse further recognition to one from

148 TRAVELING.

whom she had accepted such services. If the gen- tleman is really unworthy of her regard, it would have been in better taste to have recognized the fact at first by declining his escort.

RUSHING FOR TICKET OFFICE.

When you are traveling, it is no excuse that be- cause others outrage decency and propriety you should follow their example, and fight them with their own weapons. A rush and scramble at the railway ticket office is always unnecessary. The cars will not leave until every passenger is aboard, and if you have ladies with you, you can easily se- cure your seats and afterward procure the tickets at leisure. But suppose you do lose a favorite seat by your moderation ! Is it not better to suffer a little inconvenience than to show yourself decidedly vul- gar ? Go to the cars half an hour before they start, and you will avoid all trouble of this kind.

PERSONAL COMFORT.

When seated, or about to seat yourself in the cars never allow considerations of personal comfort or convenience to cause you to disregard the rights of fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful courtesy due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable Beats belong to the ladies, and you should never re- fuse to resign such seats to them with a cheerful po- liteness. Sometimes a gentleman will go through a car and choose his seat, and afterward vacate it to

TRA VELING. 149

procure his ticket, leaving his overcoat or carpet bag to show that the seat is taken. Always respect this token, and never seize upon a seat thus secured, without leave, even though you may want it for a lady.

A LADY TRAVELING.

A lady, in traveling alone, may accept services from her fellow-travelers, which she should always acknowledge graciously. Indeed, it is the business of a gentleman to see that the wants of an unescort- ed lady are attended to. He should offer to raise or lower her window if she seems to have any difficul- ty in doing it for herself. He may offer his assist- ance in carrying her packages upon leaving the car, or in engaging a carriage or obtaining a trunk.

Still, women should learn to be as self-reliant as pos- sible; and young women particularly should accept proffered assistance from strangers, in all but the slightest offices, very rarely.

RUSHING FOR THE TABLE.

In steamers do not make a rush for the supper table, or make a glutton of yourself when you get there. Never fail to offer your seat on deck to a la- dy, if the seats all appear to be occupied, and al- ways meet half way any fellow-passenger who wish- es to enter into conversation with you. Some trav- elers are so exclusive that they consider it a pre- sumption on the part of a stranger to address them;

150 TRAVELING.

but such people are generally foolish, and of no ac- count.

SOCIAL INTERCOURSE WHILE TRAVELING.

Sociable intercourse while traveling is one of its main attractions. Who would care about sitting and moping for a dozen of hours on board a steamer without exchanging a word with anybody? and this must be the fate of the exclusives when they travel alone. Even ladies who run greater risks in form- ing steamboat acquaintances than the men, are al- lowed the greatest privileges in that respect. It might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking acquaintance of a gentleman; but she may address or question him for the time being without impropriety.

OCCUPYING TOO MANY SEATS.

No lady of genuine breeding will retain posses- sion of more than her rightful seat in a crowded car. When others are looking for accommodations, she should at once and with all cheerfulness so dis- pose of her baggage that the seat beside her will be at liberty for any one who desires it, no mat- ter how agreeable it might be to retain possession of it.

There is no truer sign of want of proper manners than to see two ladies turn over the seat in front of them and fill it with their wraps and bundles, re- taining it in spite of the entreating or remonstrating

TEA VELINO. 151

looks of fellow-passengers. In snch a case as this any person who needs a seat is justified in reversing the back, removing the baggage and taking posses- sion of the unused place.

RETAINING A SEAT.

A gentleman in traveling may take possession of a seat and then go to purchase tickets or look after baggage, leaving the seat in charge of a companion or depositing traveling-bag or overcoat upon it to show that it is engaged. A gentleman cannot, how- ever, in justice, vacate his seat to take another in the smoking-car and at the same time reserve his rights to the first seat. He pays for but one seat, and by taking another he forfeits the first.

It is not required of a gentleman in a railway car to relinquish his seat in favor of a lady, though a gentleman of genuine breeding will do so rather than allow the lady to stand or to suffer inconven- ience from poor accommodations.

ETIQUETTE OF STREET CARS. In the street cars the case is different. No wom- an should be permitted to stand while there is a seat occupied by a man. The inconvenience to the man will be temporary and trifling at the most, and he can well afford to suffer it rather than do an un- courteous act.

ETIQUETTE OF FERRY-BOATS. There is a place where the good manners of mea

152 TRA VELING.

seem sometimes to forsake them — in the ladies' sa- loon of ferry-boats. The men reign paramount in their own saloon. No woman dares intrude there, still less deprive its rightful occupants of their seats. Yet many men, without even the excuse of being es- corts of women, prefering the purer natural and moral atmosphere of the ladies' saloon, take posses* sion and seat themselves, notwithstanding, women have to stand in consequence. This is not a matter of politeness alone; it is one of simple justice. The ladies' saloon is for the accommodation of ladies, and no gentleman has the right to occupy a seat so long as a lady is unprovided.

CHECKING FAMILIARITY.

It is impossible to dwell too strongly upon the importance of reserve and discretion on the part of ladies traveling alone. They may, as has been al- ready said, accept slight services courteously proffered by strangers, but any attempt at familiarity must be checked, and this with all the less hesitation that no gentleman will be guilty of such familiarity; and a lady wants only gentlemen for her acquaintances.

Once, when traveling from Chicago to Toledo, there were upon the same train with ourselves a young lady and gentleman who were soon the ob- served of all observers. He was a commercial traveler of some sort, and she probably just from boarding-school. They were total strangers to each other as they both entered the car at Chicago. The

TRA VELING. 153

acquaintance begun soon after starting. By the time La Porte was reached he had taken his seat beside her. At Elkhart the personal history of each was known to the other. The gentleman here invited the lady to supper and paid her bill. Shortly after- ward photographs were exchanged, they had written confidentially in each other's note-books, and had promised to correspond. All this passed between them in tonea so loud and with actions so obtrusive that they attracted the notice of every one in the car, and many were the comments upon them. As daylight waned she sunk upon his shoulder to sleep while he threw his arm around her to support her. If they had announced their engagement and in- quired for a clergyman upon the train to marry them upon their arrival at Toledo, no one would have been really surprised. She was a foolish girl, yet old enough to have known better. He must have been a villain thus to take advantage of her silliness.

Still, if the journey is long, and especially if it be by steamboat, a certain sociability is in order, and a married lady or lady of middle age should make good use of her privileges in this respect.

DUTY OP LADIES TO OTHER LADIES IN TRAVELING.

It is especially the duty of ladies to look after other ladies younger or less experienced than them- selves who may be traveling without escort, To watch these and see that they are not made the

154 TRAVELING.

dupes of villains, and to pass a pleasant word with others who may possibly feel the loneliness of their situation, should be the especial charge of every lady of experience. Such a one may often have the privilege of rendering another lady an important service in giving her information or advice, or even assistance. Every lady of experience and self-pos- session should feel her duties to be only less than those of a gentleman in showing favors to the more helpless and less experienced of her own sex.

The friendship which has subsisted between trav- elers terminates with the journey. When you get out, a word, a bow, and the acquaintance formed is finished and forgotten.

CONSULTING THE COMFORT OF OTHERS.

In the cars you have no right to keep a window open for your accommodation, if the current of air thus produced annoys or endangers the health of another. There are a sufficient number of discom- forts in traveling, at best, and it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen them as much as possi- ble, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a journey, and we are all fellow-travelers.

ATTENDING TO THE WANTS OF OTHERS.

See everywhere and at all times that ladies and elderly people have their wants supplied before you think of your own. Nor is there need for unmanly haste and pushing in entering or leaving cars or

TRA VELING. 155

boats. There is always time enough allowed for each passenger to enter in a gentlemanly manner and with a due regard to the rights of others.

If, in riding in the street cars or crossing a ferry, your friend insists upon paying for you, permit him to do so without serious remonstrance. You can return the favor at some other time.

SELFISHNESS OF LADIES.

Ladies in traveling should scrupulously avoid monopolizing, to the exclusion of others, whatever conveniences are provided for their use. Mr. Pull- man, the inventor of the palace car, was asked why there were not locks or bolts upon the ladies7 dress- ing-rooms. He replied that "if these were furnish- ed, but two or three ladies in a sleeping car would be able to avail themselves of the conveniences, for these would lock themselves in and perform their toiletts at their leisure.

This sounds like satire upon our American ladies, but we fear it is true.

ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.

CHAPTER 12.

HE perfect lady and gentleman are always polite in public places, considerate of the com- fort and wishes of others, and unobtrusive in their behavior. Under the same circumstances sham gentility is boisterous, rude, vulgar and selfish.

CHURCH ETIQUETTE. One should preserve the ut- most silence and decorum in church.

There should be no haste in passing up or down the aisle.

A gentleman should remove his hat as soon as he enters.

A gentleman and lady should pass up the aisle together until the pew is reached, when the former should step before the latter, open the pew door, holding it open while she enters, then follow her and close the door after him.

There should be no whispering, laughing or star- ing.

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ETiq UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES. 157

If a stranger is seen to enter the church and the sexton does not at once provide him with a seat, the pew door should be opened and the stranger silently invited to enter.

It is courteous to see that strangers are provided with books; and if the service is strange to them, the places for the day's reading should be indi- cated.

It is perfectly proper to offer to share the prayer or hymn book with a stranger if there is no sepa- rate book for his use.

If books or fans are passed in church, let them be offered and accepted or refused with a silent gesture of acceptance or refusal.

Upon entering a strange church it is best to wait until the sexton conducts you to a seat. By no means enter an occupied pew uninvited.

In visiting a church of a different belief from your own, pay the utmost respect to the services and conform in all things to the observances of the church — that is, kneel, sit and rise with the congre- gation. No matter how grotesquely some of the forms and observances may strike you, let no smile or contemptuous remark indicate the fact while in the church.

If a Protestant gentleman accompanies a lady who is a Roman Catholic to her own church, it is an act of courtesy to offer the holy water. This he must do with his ungloved right hand.

When the services are concluded, there should be

158 JETIQ UETTE OF PUBLIC PLA CES.

no haste in crowding up the aisle, but the departure should be conducted quietly and in order. When the vestibule is reached, it is allowable to exchange greetings with friends, but here there should be no loud talking nor boisterous laughter. Neither should gentlemen congregate in knots in the vestibule or upon the steps of the church and compel ladies to run the gauntlet of their eyes and tongues.

Never be late to church. It is a decided mark of ill-breeding.

In visiting a church for the mere purpose of see- ing the edifice, one should always go at a time when there are no services being held. If people are even then found at their devotions, as is apt to be the case in Roman Catholic churches especially, the demea- nor of the visitor should be respectful and subdu- ed and his voice low, so that he may not disturb them.

VISITING AN ARTIST.

Upon visiting an artist's studio, by no means med- dle with anything in the room. Reverse no picture which hangs or stands with face to the wall; open no portfolio without permission, and do not alter by a single touch any lay-figure or its drapery, piece of furniture or article of vertu posed as a model. You do not know with what care the artist may have arranged these things, nor what trouble the disarrangement may cost him.

It is not proper to visit the studio of an artist ex-

£TIQ UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CE8 159

ccpt by special invitation or permission and at an appointed time, for you cannot appreciate how much you may disturb him at his work. The hours of daylight are all golden to him; and steadiness of hand in manipulating a pencil is sometimes only ac- quired each day after hours of practice, and may be instantly lost on the irruption and consequent in- terruption of visitors.

Use no strong expression of either delight or dis- approbation at anything presented for your inspec- tion. If a picture or a statue please you, show your approval and appreciation by close attention and a few quiet, well-chosen words, rather than by extrav- agant praise.

Do not ask the artist his prices unless you really intend to become a purchaser; and in this case it is best to attentively observe his works, make your choice, and trust the negotiation to a third person or to a written correspondence with the artist after the visit is concluded. You may express your de- sire for the work and obtain the refusal of it from the artist. If you desire to conclude the bargain at once and ask his price, and he names a higher one than you desire to give, you may say as much and mention the sum you are willing to pay, when it will be optional with the artist to maintain his first price or accept your offer.

Never take a young child to a studio, for it may do much mischief in spite of the most careful watch- ing. At any rate, the juvenile visitor will try the

160 ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.

artist's temper and nerves by keeping him in a state of constant apprehension.

If you have engaged to sit for your portrait, nev- er keep the artist waiting one moment beyond the appointed time. If you do so, you should in justice pay for the time you make him lose.

A visitor should never stand behind an artist and watch him at his work; for if he be a man of ner- vous temperament, it will be likely to disturb him greatly.

CONDUCT IN PICTURE-GALLERIES.

In visiting picture-galleries one should always maintain the deportment of a gentleman or lady. Make no loud comments, and do not seek to show superior knowledge in art matters by gratuitous crit- icism. Ten to one, if you have not an art education you will only be giving publicity to your own ig- norance.

Do not stand in conversation before a picture, and thus obstruct the view of others who wish to see rather than talk. If you wish to converse with any one on general subjects, draw to one side out of the way of those who wish to look at the pictures.

INVITATION TO OPERA OR CONCERT.

A gentleman upon inviting a lady to accompany him to opera, theatre, concert or other public place of amusement must send his invitation the previous day and write it in the third person. The lady must

ETIQ, UETTE OF PUBLIC PL A CE8. 161

reply immediately, so that if she declines there will yet be time for the gentleman to secure another com- panion.

It is the gentleman's duty to secure good seats for the entertainment, or else he or his companion may be obliged to take up with seats where they can neither see nor hear.

CONDUCT IN OPERA, THEATRE OR PUBLIC HALL.

On entering the hall, theatre or opera-house the gentleman should walk side by side with his com- panion unless the aisle is too narrow, in which case he should precede her. Reaching the seats, he should allow her to take the inner one,assuming the outer one himself.

A gentleman should on no account leave the lady's side from the beginning to the close of the perform- ance.

If it is a promenade concert or opera, the lady may be invited to promenade during the intermis- sion. If she decline, the gentleman must retain his position by her side.

The custom of going out alone between the acts to visit the refreshment-room cannot be too strongly reprehended. It is little less than an insult to the lady.

There is no obligation whatever upon a gentleman to give up his seat to a lady. On the contrary, his duty is solely to the lady whom he accompanies. He must remain beside her during the evening to con-

162 ETiq UETTE OF PUBLIC PLA CE8.

verse with her between the acts and to render hei assistance in case of accident or disturbance.

It is proper and desirable that the actors be ap- plauded when they deserve it. It is their only means of knowing whether they are giving satisfac- tion.

During the performance complete quiet should be preserved, that the audience may not be prevented seeing or hearing. Between the acts it is perfectly proper to converse, but it should be in a low tone, so as not to attract attention. Neither should one whisper. There should be no loud talking, boister- ous laughter, violent gestures, lover-like demonstra- tions or anything in manners or speech to attract the attention of others.

The gentleman should see that the lady is pro- vided with programme, and with libretto also if they are attending opera.

The gentleman should ask permission to call upon the lady on the following day, which permission she should^rant; and if she be a person of delicacy and tact, she will make him feel that he has conferred a real pleasure upon her by his invitation. Even if she finds occasion for criticism in the performance, she should be lenient in this respect and seek for points to praise instead, that he may not feel regret at taking her to an entertainment which has proved unworthy.

If the means of the gentleman warrant him in so doing, he should call for his companion in a car-

ETIQ, UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES 163

riage. This is especially necessary if the evening is stormy. He should call sufficiently early to allow them to reach their destination before the perform- ance commences. It is unjust to the whole audience to come in late and make a disturbance in obtain- ing seats.

In passing out at the close of the performance the gentleman should precede the lady, and there should be no crowding and pushing.

CHURCH OR FANCY FAIRS.

In visiting a fancy fair make no comments on either the articles or their price unless you can praise. Do not haggle over them. Pay the price demanded or let them alone. If you can conscientiously praise an article, by all means do so, as you may be giving pleasure to the maker if she chances to be within hearing.

Be guilty of no loud talking or laughing, and by all means avoid conspicuous flirting in so public a place.

As, according to the general rules of politeness, a gentleman must always remove his hat in the pres- ence of ladies, so he should remain with head un- covered, carrying his hat in his hand, in a public place of this character.

If you have a table at a fair, use no unlady like means to obtain buyers. Let a negative suffice. Not even the demands of charity can justify you in importuning others to purchase articles against their

164 ETIQ, UETTE OF PUBLIC PLA CES.

own judgment or beyond their means to purchase. Never be so grossly ill-bred as to retain the change if a larger amount is presented than the price. Offer the change promptly, when the gentle- man will be at liberty to donate it if he thinks best, and you may accept it with thanks. He is, howev- er, under no obligation whatever to make such do- nation.

PICNICS.

In giving a picnic, the great thing to remember is to be sure and have enough to eat and drink. Al- ways provide for the largest possible number of guests that may by any chance come.

Send out your invitations three weeks beforehand, in order that you may be enabled to fill up your list, if you have many refusals.

Always transport your guests to the scene of ac- tion in covered carriages, or carriages that are ca- pable of being covered, in order that you may be provided against rain, which is proverbial on such occasions.

Send a separate conveyance containing the provi- sions, in charge of two or three servants — not too many, as half the fun is lost if the gentlemen do not officiate as amateur waiters.

The above rules apply to picnics which are given by one person, and to which invitations are sent out just the same as to an ordinary ball or dinner party. But there are picnics and picnics as the French say.

ij^-, :

I

OUTDOOR SPORTS.

ETiq UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES 165

Let us treat of the picnic, in which a lot of people join together for the purpose of a day's ruralizing. In this case, it is usual for the ladies to contribute the viands. The gentlemen should provide and su- perintend all the arrangements for the conveyance of the guests to and from the scene of festivity.

How TO DRESS.

Great latitude in dress is allowed on these occa- sions. The ladies all come in morning dresses and hats; the gentlemen in light coats, wide-awake hats, caps, or straw hats. In fact, the morning dress of the seaside is quite de rigueur at a picnic. After din- ner it is usual to pass the time in singing, or if there happens to be an orchestra of any kind, in dancing. This is varied by games of all kinds, croquet, <fec. Frequently after this the company breaks up into little knots and coteries, each having its own centre of amusement.

DUTIES OF GENTLEMEN.

Each gentleman should endeavor to do his ut- most to be amusing on these occasions. If he has a musical instrument, and can play it, let him bring it — for instance, a cornet, which is barely tolerated in a private drawing-room, is a great boon, when well played at a picnic. On these occasions a large bell or gong should be taken, in order to summon the guests when required; and the guests should be careful to attend to the call at once, for many a

106 ETiq UETTE OF P VELIO PL A CES.

pleasant party of this kind has been spoiled by a few selfish people keeping out of the way when wanted.

COMMITTEE OF ARRANGEMENTS. Finally, it would be well on these occasions to have each department vested in the hands of one respon- sible person, in order that when we begin dinner we should not find a heap of forks but no knives, beef, but no mustard, lobster and lettuces but no salad- dressing, veal-and-ham, pies but no bread, and near- ly fifty other such contretemps, which are sure to come about unless the matter is properly looked after and organized.

BOATING.

The reader may doubtless be surprised that we should treat of etiquette when speaking of boating, still there are little customs and usages of politeness to be observed even in the roughest sports in which a gentleman takes part.

Never think of venturing out with ladies alone, unless you are perfectly conversant with the man- agement of a boat, and, above all, never overload your boat. There have been more accidents caused by the neglect of these two rules than can be im- agined.

If two are going out with ladies, let one take his stand in the the boat and conduct the ladies to their seats, while one assists them to step from the bank.

ETiq UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES. 167

Let the ladies be comfortably seated, and their dress- es arranged before starting. Be careful that you do not splash them, either on first putting the oar into the water or subsequently.

If a friend is with you and going to row, always ask him which seat he prefers, and do not forget to ask him to row "stroke," which is always the seat of honor in the boat.

ROWING.

If you cannot row, do not scruple to say so, as then you can take your seat by the side of the ladies, and entertain them by your conversation, which is much better than spoiling your own pleasure and that of others by attempting what you know you cannot perform.

The usual costume of gentlemen is white flannel trousers, white rowing jersey, and a straw hat. Pea- jackets are worn when their owners are not absolute- ly employed in rowing.

LADIES ROWING.

Of late years ladies have taken very much to rowing; this can be easily managed in a quiet river or private pond, but it is scarcely to be attempted in the more crowded and public parts of our rivers — at any rate, unless superintended by gentlemen. In moderation, it is a capital exercise for ladies; but when they attempt it they should bear in mind that they should assume a dress proper for the oc.

168 ETiq UETTE OF PUBLIC PLA CES.

casion. They should leave their crinoline at home, and wear a skirt barely touching the ground; they should also assume flannel Garibaldi shirts and little sailor hats — add to these a good pair of stout boots, and the equipment is complete. We should observe however, that it is impossible for any lady to row with comfort or grace if she laces tightly.

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LETTER WRITING.

LETTERS AND LETTER WRITING.

CHAPTER 13.

DELIGHTFUL is the art of letter- writing and one not hard to be acquired. To